The information below comes from a few of the curricula we use at work. I've collected it over the years and pieced it together and practiced it at home and some of it works all the time and some of it works some of the time and some of it doesn't work for us.
I do not have autistic children. I do not specialize in autism or
Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). I do parent using a good number of
methods and models developed for autistic children. Little bits I've
picked up here and there from parents of autistic children and
therapists and specialists and books. Those of you familiar with ASD techniques will probably find a lot of these things to be familiar. I feel that much of what is required to parent ASD kids works wonderful wonders with non-ASD kids.
***
Disclaimer: Every parent knows that a whole lot of behavior problems can be curbed and avoided by setting
a child up to succeed. If a kid melts down every time XYZ happens,
start controlling for XYZ as much as possible. Let the kid know XYZ is going to happen. If he can't handle it, get a sitter. If you can't, carry snacks. Don't do
things at naptime or late at night. Tired and hungry are the two
biggest precursors to tantrums.
I have a hard time deciphering
between the physical feelings of hunger/exhaustion and the emotional
feeling of anger/anxiety. I might freak the eff out if you put me in
XYZ when I'm hungry or tired. I'm 36 (39!) years old and I still can't
figure that out. How can I expect anyone younger to?
Plan plan plan. Prepare prepare prepare. Proactive proactive proactive.
***
Children tend to be
very concrete thinkers. Black and white. The grey comes with
experience.
Concrete thinkers need to know our (and society's) expectations. They need to know the exceptions to those expectations
.
A classic example of this is playing Doctor with your small child often in the weeks before a healthcare visit. It's going and buying one of those toy kits and pretending to take the temperature and listen to the heart and check out the eyeballs. It's setting up a pretend waiting room in your kitchen and practicing at Sitting and Waiting Quietly. It's saying "when we get to the doctor's office, we will Sit and Wait Quietly until your name is called. Then we can get up and follow the nurse where we may have to wait again for the doctor". Or "we can sit and play quietly with these cars/puzzles/handheld games...". Extreme concrete thinkers need to know it's okay to get up when his or her name is called. To know it's okay to speak to the doctor. Extreme concrete thinkers hear Sit and Wait Quietly and process it as Sit and Wait Quietly Forever
No Matter What.
That's a problem.
Ever try to pry a resistant child off a chair?
I have a Moderate concrete thinker who was so afraid to break the rule of Sitting Still and Being Good at School last winter that he had a major pants accident while fighting a mid-day onset of the stomach flu. He was told that bathroom breaks only happen at certain times of the day. His guts had other plans. No one ever said to the class that yes, they are expected to only use the bathroom at breaks and stay in their seats the rest of the time, but there is an exception for emergencies. It was assumed the children would know that. Lots of kids don't. Like mine.
***
Kids either follow our expectations or they don't.
If they do, reward them! Lots of praise. Hugs, kisses, high fives, "good jobs", whatever your kid is into. Kids don't need
stuff to know they've done a good job. Some kids think they do, and it can take awhile to break that habit. Some kids have been conditioned to believe this. Especially kids that have been bribed for
years to behave.
If you are good at the store, you can get a toy.
If you promise to be quiet at church, you can have candies.
If you do these chores, you can have ten dollars.
If you do a poopy in the potty, you can have a sticker and ten hundred thousand M&Ms.
Bribes work.
For awhile.
There is a story about Richard Nixon's dog, every time they would go in the Oval Office, the dog would pee on the floor. To get her to stop, President Nixon would get a milkbone out of the drawer and call the dog over. Pretty soon, every time the dog wanted a milkbone she would just go ahead and pee. No matter where they were.
Kids aren't much different.
Grown ups aren't either, truth be told.
When kids don't follow our expectations, there needs to be a consequence that immediately follows.
EVERY TIME an undesirable behavior occurs in our presence a consequence must occur
immediately afterwards.
Nothing reinforces and increases negative behavior quite like intermittent discipline.
If you got a ticket every time you sped, you probably would keep at the limit.
Nothing confuses a child more than inconsistency.
Getting in trouble for Bad Thing on Monday when we parents are cranky but not on Thursday when we are just too tired to deal is inconsistent parenting.
Getting in trouble for Bad Thing in public when we are publicly embarrassed but not at home when we are all alone is inconsistent parenting.
Getting in trouble for Bad Thing at home when we are alone but not at the grocery store because we don't want to take the extra time in aisle four is inconsistent parenting.
***
Consequences should be reasonable.
A time out or a loss of privilege is muchly and greatly preferred over yelling and spanking.
Don't make it so extreme that you are punishing yourself or your other family members.
One week without television sounds great in the heat of the moment, but it sucks when three days later you want to take a peaceful shower and your kid is whining about boredom. Or when another kid wants to watch her show but she can't because the punished kid is in the room and then she melts down and then mom falls apart and then the dog tips over the garbage because no one is paying attention to feed him and then the cat claws the sofa just because she can.
It is super important that we do not give in or go back on our words, so make sure it is something everyone can live with.
Consequences should include teachable moments.
Punishment doesn't tell the child what to do, it tells them what not to do.
Punishment leads to sneakiness, retaliation, and apathy.
Our goal is to
enforce expectations, not make our kids lie and hide and stop caring and start fighting back.
"STOP RUNNING!!!" accompanied by a quick yank on the shirt collar might stop the kid from running and it will hurt them enough to let them know you mean business. But that doesn't let them know they can't also skip or hop or leap or cartwheel.
"Please walk" spoken kindly with a firmish hand on the shoulder will usually reset a child. For a few minutes at least. How do you get a kid to please, for the love of all things holy, walk all the time?
Catch them being good.
For every NO, give them five YESES.
Or the equivalent.
Hey baby, great job at walking here in the store! I'm so proud, you should be too!
Whoa dude! You stopped at the corner like a big kid! Awesome job!
I love the way you are sitting nicely and drawing while the baby is napping!
Look at you using your table manners, alright!
Who doesn't want to hear they are doing well, and know exactly what it is they are doing well?
If my boss tells me "you are doing a good job", it feels good but I don't know what she is talking about.
If my boss tells me "you are doing a great job with getting those reports in on time. They are really thorough and informative", I know she doesn't mean that I'm doing a good job sneaking and taking two hour lunches or putzing around on the internet while I should be working.
Kids need (specific) praise. Dogs need praise. We all need praise.
It's easy. It's free. And once you have it established in your routine, things go a lot easier.
It's hard sometimes to establish Yeses and Praise and Consistency in a family. It's also hard to have a family that isn't running as smoothly as it could be. It's worth the effort. The week or two weeks or month that it might take. Change doesn't happen over night.
***
Kids need to feel
connected to the people around them, they need to feel
competent, and they need to feel that they are in
control. At least a little bit. When these three needs are being met, kids are happiest and they are least likely to have meltdowns. Tantrums. Call it what you wish.
The best time to
connect with your kid is when he or she is meeting your expectations. Sadly, this is the easiest time to ignore them because they are being good and you can get stuff done. The best way to connect with your kid is to
turn off all the electronics. Spend some one on one time together without the ding of your texts and facebook updates. Play with your kid. On the floor. At the table. However and wherever you can. Fifteen minutes, more if you can. The internet will be there when you get back. I promise. This is not Mission Impossible. None of your emails will self destruct before you can get to them.
Kids will do anything they can to get your attention. To get you to look up from your phone. Laptop. Stovetop. ANYTHING. You know this because it has happened ten times since daybreak. Even bad attention is attention, and the easiest way for a kid to get your attention is to be bad. Only provide focused attention to your kids when they are acting in ways that you'd like to encourage them to act.
If they are being little jerks, calmly tell them to stop. Don't look at them (assuming you know they are safe, of course). Don't engage. Don't give them what they want.
"I can't understand you when you whine. Please speak to me when you can use a tone of voice I will be able to understand"
"When you bang on the table with your sister's doll, you are not acting in a way that makes me want to pay attention to you. We can talk when you are standing still and your hands are at your sides"
Don't let a child trick you into losing your temper.
Yelling at a kid teaches a child to yell to get what they want.
Hitting a kid teaches a child to hit people when they aren't acting in a way that pleases him or her.
Counter productivity in parenting. If it didn't exist, I wouldn't have a job.
The best way to allow your child to feel
capable is to take the time to teach your child the right way to do things. Break it down for them. Separate tasks into tiny little baby steps.
Don't say "clean your room", say "put all your clothes in the hamper. Then put your toys in the box. Then place your books on the shelf. Then sweep the floor."
When things get overwhelming for your child, stop what you are doing and take a break with something you know they can do well. When I get overwhelmed, I draw tiny irises and tulips. Sometimes I write my name over and over. I can do those things well. When Jake gets overwhelmed, I tell him I forget the lyrics of his favorite song and can he please remind me? Or I ask him to find me a red pen in my bag. Feed the cats. Something he can do easily. Then we get back on task.
Finally, let your kid be in
control every now and then. This is the oldest trick in the book. It even works great for Terrible Two kids. Give options rather than commands. Would you like an apple or a string cheese for a snack? Please get dressed in your room or in the laundry room. Put on the red shirt or the blue shirt.
Of course, sometimes there are no choices. Parents are ultimately in charge.
We are in charge because it is our job to be sure that a kid is learning to act according to family and society expectations, and our job to teach them what those expectations are in a respectful and effective way.
