i'll show you mine

So you want to see my cabinets and know the brand of my toaster (Oster) and know what my favorite appliance is (I'm afraid of everything that plugs into the wall, I hate them all equally and I'm thinking of unplugging my range because it makes me nervous) because I have the reputation as an uptight, anal-retentive, OCDish, crazy chick do you? I bet you think I have everything completely color-coded and arranged alphabetically and lined up and in order.

Wrong.

Well, partially.

I have a cabinet full of Jake's food that is stocked with canned stuff and fruit cups and apple sauce and dried lentils and store-bought soups just in case there is ever some sort of emergency that would render me unable to get to the store for seven years. Jake's cabinet looks like this (the tonic water is mine. If there is ever some sort of emergency where I can't get out of the house I'm gonna need that damned tonic):

I also like to keep my kitchen table neat. We don't eat here as a family, but if I'm eating alone I like to eat here. It seems much less depressing to eat where there is only one chair than to look at an empty chair where my husband or a guest should be. And way less depressing than laying on the couch with a plate on a pillow and that pillow on my gut and my head turned toward the television as I shovel food into my face.

The rest of my cabinets are just a big jumble of food that takes years to perish because it will take that long for me to cook it and some dishes in there. I'm a closet slob. A cabinet slob. I don't keep much in the fridge because I might freak out if something nears its expiration date. Once a day I check and double check all dates. I'm afraid of anything that needs a date stamped on it. I eat a lot of packaged nutrition stuff like Carnation Instant Breakfast and energy bars because I know it is safer and probably isn't teeming with salmonella and insects.

If it makes you feel better and more secure in my mental illness, this cabinet is arranged by a system that I would rather not tell you about. Maybe some day, when I'm ready. I know where everything is in there, I know what everything is in there, and I know when it goes bad. Plus the Jesus lives in there.
I love pasta. Pasta loves me. We spend lots of time together.
I like my bananas giraffey.
Sadly, this is not a top view of my pots and pans. They really are just tossed in there. I have to do it really quick and then lock it up because Jake loves pots and pans and I hate the noise he makes with them.
This is the everyday food cabinet where I keep my allergy and arthritis drugs and my vat of peanut butter and my Slinky and Dave's clams and other gross stuff he eats. I just bought that canned chicken breast for Jake. I figure he eats fish out of a can, so why not chicken. He likes it and I can't stand to touch it raw so we all win with convenience food. You won't catch me with any of that crap in my mouth, though. I am above canned meats.
This used to be in order until I had to keep sippy cups and small plastic containers in there. It makes me sick. I can't wait until we don't need that baby garbage anymore. I want to puke when I look in here. I can hardly look at this picture without gagging. The way that there are about five different kinds of plates and all those little piles of stuff. I shudder.

We set our fridge temp to "body parts" so little human hands stay fresh.
There is always at least four pounds of cheese in my house. I don't like it when Dave eats Jake's cheese because it isn't for Dave. It's for Jake. And I only bought 90 string cheeses at BJ's last week. Dave has his own cheese and it smells like feet. No one else touches Dave's cheese so Dave should not touch anyone else's cheese. Dave.

I should have deleted this picture. How gross is that spot? I think it is Irish Cream. I hope it is Irish Cream.
I use my crisper for beer. I hate cold fruit. We don't drink Corona much, which is why there is so much of it. I like Miller Lite (my beer of mass consumption) and Guiness, Murphy's, or Smithwick's (for when I'm just having one or two). Dave likes Yuengling, I guess. I don't know what Dave likes. I focus on what I like. And Jake. Dave fends for himself. I like whiskey the most. Jake likes milk,especially if I shake up a YoBaby or some Carnation Instant Breakfast in there for him, which I do all the time because I'm nice and nutritionally insane and I think he could use the extra fortification.
There are two homemade crabcakes on that plate. Don't judge me because I stock up twice as much vodka sauce as I do alfredo and arribiata. I keep my generic Metamucil in the fridge because I think it is funny and no one likes to mention it when they go in there to grab a beer. Ricotta cheese is good on everything. Everything.

My freezer is full of Morning Star Farms veggie products and babies and frozen veggies. There is some meat in there too, but it probably has been there forever. I remember moving meat from our apartment to our house two years ago and I don't remember doing anything with it since. I don't like to cook it, and when I do, I usually stop at the market and buy fresh. I'm waiting for Jake to stick to the shelf in the freezer. It happens to me every time I dare stick my hand in there when it is wet.

See? I'm not as crazy as you think I am.

Now show me yours.