intrusive thoughts

I was reading the materials for my squishy warm warm class yesterday and I came across a passage about those horrible negative thoughts or feelings that parents may have about their children from time to time. Those flashing notions of hurting your child (or worse) or picturing them in dangerous situations are pretty disturbing and can make someone feel like a truly horrible person.

I remember way back in the early days of Jake thinking that if I just put this kid somewhere (like in a hole in the ground) I could get some sleep and pick up where life left off nine months ago. That made me feel really good, that the inner core of my soul was telling me that my sleep and my job and my life was more important than my kid's well being. I told the doctor, and he laughed and told me that I'll feel that way every now and then for the rest of my life. Not happy with that answer, I told the nurse and she said that she wanted to put her kids in the garbage can. All four of them. They both said it was normal, and because I was so horrified by the thought of it, they weren't concerned about post-partum depression. Then they gave me a number in case I was afraid I would actually put my kid in a ditch.

If only I took this job and this class two years ago I would feel so much better about some of the things I have experienced and felt since finding out I was pregnant. The good times are fantastic but the other times are just weird and disturbing and no one tells you about them until you bring it up in a room where there aren't a lot of people around to hear the confessions that mothers make in whispers.

Everyone knows about the good parts, the stuff that Johnson and Johnson commercials are made of. Lucky for us, those are the parts that stick out the most but there are those little intrusive moments that really scare the pants out of most parents and make them question who they really are. Or is it just me? Anyone? Anyone?

We take Jake to a really good pediatrician who is readily available at almost any time. They want to see babies from birth to three every three months, and they give us an information sheet that tells us what dosage of Tylenol is appropriate and what foods a baby shouldn't have and what they should have and what to expect with physical development and what your baby can understand. All poisons should be put up and all doors to the outside world locked. Crib mattresses should be down and car seats should be in. They say that temper tantrums are normal, but they don't tell us what to do about them. Each baby is different, says the paper. They say that the terrible twos are coming, but they don't tell us how to handle each minute between 15 and 36 months. With a pat on the back, a sheet of paper that supposedly includes everything we need to know about our x to x+3 month old, and a smile, we are shoved out the door, appointment card in hand.

What about MY temper tantrums? What about the terrible thirties? What about ME? That is where this mushy class comes in. I've mentioned before that this class aims to teach us how to teach parents to become better parents by taking care of themselves while they raise their children while they teach us how to take care of ourselves while we teach parents. Genius! Help me help me so I can help you help you and your damned brats. Love it. Even better is that they are helping me help me so I can help me help me and Jake. This is so what I need right now.

I think I'm extremely lucky to have the job that I do, to have the resources available that I do, and to have the compulsion to read up on every single thing that I do regarding Jake. It helps. I'm also very thankful for the huge support of others that I have and the fact that I have the world's best baby who responds to time-outs and the threat of a toy-less play pen. And blog therapy. Lots and lots of blog therapy, my blog, your blog, your mom's blog, everyone's blog.