baby loves sex, drugs, and disco

All the cool moms are taking their kids to Baby Loves Disco. It seems like a really awesome thing to do, and I'm sure I would have a lot of fun. I know Jake would. My mommy friends go. Jake's friends go.

So why don't Jake and I go?

Baby Loves Disco in Philadelphia is held at Shampoo.

Shampoo is a huge warehouse type nightclub that hosts all sorts of different events for different types of people who are into different things.

Loyal fans know that pre-Jake Lora used to tear up Philadelphia on a regular basis. I would eat this town, and swallow without chewing. Shampoo, however, managed to take a bite out of me.

I've been to Shampoo three times. Time one was because a friend knew the bartender and the bouncer so we got in for free and drank for practically free. That night I saw a waitress on her knees behind the bar and in front of the bartender. I guess she was, er, siphoning his, um, tap line. By mouth. Maybe? If you've worked behind a bar you know what a bitch it is when your tap line clogs in the middle of your shift, so it was a good thing she was there. I also saw what I think must have been a man giving another man a horsey ride in the bathroom. I couldn't really tell, because another man was taking pictures and the flash was blinding. The establishment should really consider investing in doors for the restrooms.

Time two was a going away party for a friend who was moving to California. We all thought it would be a great idea to jump in the foam room, because who doesn't want to be in their bare feet and up to their nipples in detergent? At a bar? Sounded like a good idea at the time but I quickly learned that there are few things worse than your bare foot sliding into someone's bare butt. Turns out you can breathe under that stuff if you clear out a little air pocket. And as long as you can breathe, you can give underfoam horsey rides. Two of my friends told me all about it over late night eggs. There was a whole rodeo down there.

The third night was totally unplanned. It started pouring while we were walking past and there was no cover that night. There were an awful lot of people who apparently couldn't resist the smell of the sinks, and the backs of the toilets, and the bar, and the tops of the speakers, and their keys. Half the people there looked like they got in a Pixie Stick fight. A girl at the stool next to me dropped a bottle of pills, and they rolled all over the floor. Then she cried because she couldn't find all of them and she needed to sell "each and every one of them to make her rent this month". I cut my foot later that night on a piece of broken bottle.

Three strikes and I'm out. Granted, this all happened a couple years ago and it may be different now (ha!), but I can't bring myself to take my baby to a bar like that when I know that there could be a stray pill in a corner or a piece of glass under a chair from the night before. I'm assuming they clean up every night, but I know how much effort goes into cleaning a bar after closing. It's 3am and all anyone wants to do is go home or get themselves to afterhours. Toss some bleach on the floor, pick up the big chunks, and get out. Let the daybar deal with the leftover grime.

So, yeah. I think I'll be skipping BLD again this month.