tired

Putting Jake to bed is the most rewarding thing in my whole entire existence. He delivers copious amounts of cuddles and hugs and uncontrollable sleepy giggle sessions and stories about his day (if you don't ask your two year old to tell you stories, make sure you do tonight. They are hilarious) and a bunch of "i love you mommy"'s all crammed in a fifteen minute time slot that hovers randomly around the eight o'clock hour every day. Most days.

This past week has brought a large amount of pleas to "stay just one more minute" and lots of "let's lay down together"'s and "don't go, stay here with me"'s and "I come downstairs with you"'s after we read a few books and sing a few songs. It's so sad/cute and Jake clings to me and kisses me and tickles my face and eyelashes so my eyes will stay closed and grabs hold of my neck and I'll sheepishly admit that it got so bad last night that he was sitting on his bed sobbing to the point of gagging while begging me (who was waaayyy over at the door) to "hold (him) like a little baby and rock (him) and hold (his) cup near (his) mouth like a bottle while (I) sing the Dream song". Direct quote. Good Lord my child is regressing because he feels abandoned. I am the worst. mother. ever.

If I would have just left when the pleading started it wouldn't have gotten to that point but I just feel so awful to leave my little boy who wants nothing* more than to have his mommy lay down next to him and tickle his tiny little bare hairy back while he falls asleep.

At the dayjob we tell parents that bedtime meltdowns are really just displays of exhaustion and they should try to put the kid down a little sooner and start winding them down about an hour before bedtime and under no circumstance should you stay in there while the kid falls asleep unless you are fine with doing that every single night until the kid is ready to fall asleep alone, usually between ages eight and ten. Which we are also supposed to say isn't good but I secretly disagree. I disagree with it happening in my own house, but what the heck is the harm in it as long as everyone is wearing pants and keeping their hands above the covers? Then we tell parents that if the kid wakes/gets up after you put them to bed you are to usher them back without saying a word.

Well, I'm trying. I'm trying to set a little bit of a bedtime guideline that says there is a certain point where I get up and leave before anyone gets too comfortable but it is just so nice to be there, crammed in that tiny little bed with that not-so-tiny little boy. I try to get out of there before he gets to the point where he thinks he needs me in there but the second we cross that threshold my heart melts and my blood and sound reasoning are replaced by hysterical hormones and irrational thoughts about the worst case scenario like what if he freaks out so bad that he bangs his head on the corner of the nightstand and he bleeds to death while I'm downstairs, happy that the kid finally shut up? It's tough stuff.

How is your brat sleeping?


*i just typo-ed "mother" right there where it says "nothing". as in, "my little boy who wants mother". i'm so tormented by that typo. it shows so much repressed guilt.