annals

Long time readers may be shocked to hear this, but there was a time a few years ago when Dave and I decided to try to maybe not be so careful with the birth control. As in, go without for a time just to see what would happen. We were at a pass in our jobs where we could stay where we were or try to move upwards. We were tired of renting, looking to buy.

While I was doing the Great Purge of '08 I came across a few notebook pages tucked in the bottom of a Rubbermaid tote. I should have could have would have edited this a bit, but why start editing now? (answer: because it deals with real feelings.)

Now, don't judge. Please remember that I was probably drunk when I wrote this. This... this... this letter to an unborn child. WTH was my problem? (answer:sometimes drinking makes me have real feelings.)

6/21/2004
I begin writing this upon being forced whether to make a decision to put you off for another month. I have been taking birth control for nearly ten years, and decided about one year ago I would try to have a baby beginning on my 28th birthday. Now that is dangerously close and I only have six pills left. Fortunately, I have a pharmacist friend who agreed to slip me an extra pack, allowing me to buy one more month of reckless sex. I will be 28 in 54 days, and I’d imagine I should allow at least one month of cleansing before even chancing to get pregnant. After all, I have never loved anything as much as I love you, and I don’t want to drug you with a careful balance of estrogen.

Allow me to tell you a little bit about your mother. Throughout your life, many people will likely tell you that you would die if you knew me before you were born. They are right. I recently went through old pictures and artfully deleted those that would make you uncomfortable. I could tell you what I do, but you probably wouldn’t believe it, or not want to hear it, or worse yet, do the same things. Trust me- I know this first hand. I am a champion at mirroring my parents’ lives when they were my age. You will probably do most of the same things we all did, and I’m glad. There is nothing like your twenties to unleash the raw being of the human spirit. Beer helps. Just watch the hangovers if you ever want to get anything accomplished.

I am 5’7”, 135 pounds, and very healthy. I wear a 34D, use a lot of self-tanner, and am constantly trying to grow my hair. I know that men and women find me attractive and appealing and I love that people find it very easy to talk to me. I am a better talker than listener, and often sit and think about what to say next while I try to appear as though I’m listening. I try to treat all people with respect, even if I do not think that they deserve it. Note that I said TRY. Being nice, pretty, and somewhat respectful has gotten me most of what I have in life. Except, of course, for my education- that took some work. Not too much, you should not have much difficulty getting very far in school. You come from a long line of very smart people.

I will spare you the details of my childhood. I prefer to invent my own parents’ history based on photos and anecdotes passed on to my by my grandparents, and will give you the same courtesy. I know that my mom and dad loved me very much and did the best they could for me. I plan on doing just as much damage to you as they did to me. Screwing up your children must be one of life’s greatest joys. I don’t know one parent who hasn’t sufficiently done this.

Returning to my decision on whether or not to have you now. I should tell you some reasons this is so hard. I know that you will completely change my life, and I want to be sure that I can give you the world and the stability needed so your life does not need to change much until need be. Your father and I have just begun to look into buying a home that I would like you and your sibling(s) to live in until the eldest is at least 10. This is a huge deal for me. Beyond that- the reasons are truly selfish. I love my life as it is now- little responsibility, lots of friends, lots of late nights with lots of different people. We have a great apartment downtown so I can be at work in three minutes and at the bar in two. I am scared to give up my crazy social and professional life, but I think I am almost ready to do it.

For you.


6/29/04
I just got back from looking at houses. And picking up a pack of birth control. Buying this house is going to be stressful, and I want to deal with adulthood one babystep at a time.

If someone told me that life would change drastically in my twenties, I must have repressed that memory. Every day I feel strange emotions that I thought I would be prepared for but ended up completely taken off guard. This started about three years ago when I was turning 25 and doing things like staying out all night with an odd mix of people. Your uncle came with me once and said “I’m just a little boy in a big city. Make sure I go home with my family”. I wish I had someone to say that to, and someone to make sure I went home with my family. If you have moved away from home, I’m sure that you know what crazy things there are out there. I hope you see most of them, but have the sense not to try them.

A lot of my friends, ones that you will call aunts and uncles, are a giant “Just Say No” commercial. (Just Say No was a huge anti-drug campaign in the 1980’s. It is still around today, twenty years later but who knows if you will know what that is). They have taught me, through their actions, heartaches, and generally looking like an idiot, to stay away from drugs and alcohol, careless aquaintences, dangerous boyfriends, psycho girlfriends, one night stands, creepy old men, and anything that might seem like a good idea at the time. I thank my parents’ guidance and their own mistakes for teaching me to look at but not touch these things. Or, at least knowing that I will get burned if I do touch, firey devils they are.

I hope to teach you to find the beauty in small things. I particularly love trees, sunshine, flowers in unexpected places, old people who still smile, animals, sunsers, the moon, and quite noises outside the window at night. There are so many simple things in life that bring happiness and you will encounter many things that make you so overjoyed that your heart will nearly explode. Remember this feeling so you can use it when you need it. Try also to spread the joy you find to others, as it will be returned to you many times over. Believe in and practive Karma, and you will be rewarded.

As I keep this journal for you, I hope to pass on a sense of not only who you are and how you became that way, but how others are, and what is normal. I like to think that all I do, think, and feel has been done, thought, and felt by those who have come before me. It is comforting for me to have faith in a human experience, made whole by love, hate, joy, sorrow, birth, death, truth, lies, and shareing these things with others. Have one true friend who knows everything about you. It does not have to be your sister, brother, spouse, parent. One person who will not judge or divulge, laugh or keep their feelings from you. If you cannot find this person, hire a therapist. Keeping the truth, as ugly as it may be, inside will eat you alive. The freedom you will find in a confidant is unlike anything in the world.

And then I stopped until February of the next year. But I'll save that for another day. I've turned myself inside out enough for one night.