making memories

I took Jake to see Santa and the light show at Macy's* Saturday morning. Macy's on a weekend is absolutely nothing like Macy's on a weekday. Lots of white people on a Saturday.

Lots.

And white people love them some healthy snack foods. Lots of lilychildren in plaid and velvet and cableknit and fairisle eating pretzels and apples and drinking water out of Siggs. Oh, and the pitterpatter of tiny little Uggs and shearling Crocs.

It was weird.

One lady told her kid that he can't have a granola bar like Jake was having because "they are nothing but sugar and are really just glorified candy bars".

Wow.

And I thought I was overly retentive about the snacking. No wonder the world at large has a general distaste for the whites. If I wasn't so damned well adjusted, I'd be stabbing myself in the mirror on a regular basis.

Anyway, the lightshow was much better than it has been in the past, and Julie Andrews narrated the stories. Jake thought it was awesome. I thought it was awesome that Jake thought it was awesome and then I got a little teared up because I was smack in the middle of holiday memory making and I felt like a total ass and then I looked around and saw that most of the moms were actually crying and even some of the dads. Buncha pussies.

Did you know I like to channel Julie Andrews in the privacy of my own home? Ask me to do it for you. I'm really good at oldentimeytheatersinging. If I were born 40 years earlier I would've given the world the gift of my voice, but I was born in the 70's so it turns out that I just sound like old people did when they were young. And I have horrible stage performance anxiety. I wish they had a little blue pill for that.

We went upstairs to the Dickens Village, which is scary what with all the ghosts and creepy herky jerky moving mannequins and the seasonally employed Dickens Villagers who speak in terrible dramaclub brogues. "Ga'day! 'ahpey Critmahs!" to which every damned person in line wanted to reply "shoove eet oopyer arse!" and Jake said "no, no, watch my mouth. it's merry chrisssmas".

Brat.

Jake wanted to see Santa, and they have a great system there. Instead of one Santa in the middle of the place like at the malls, you wait in line and then you are taken back to see one of many Santas. They are in little booths that are super cute, and the Santas are always beautiful. I think I explained that right. Sadly, the only other way I can come up with to tell you how it is set up is like a peep show. You are in your own private room and you get about ten minutes but there aren't any slots to put quarters in.

And the floor isn't sticky.

The Santa was so nice, and told Jake that he had been waiting for him. He told Jake that he has been good (Jake said, "yeah, i been real real very very good!") and that he is so special and he loves him and since he is so good and special, he will get presents this year. Jake told him he wants Geotrax (we've done a pretty good job at telling Jake that he really wants Geotrax this year). Santa asked him if he wants anything else. "nofank you".
S: Do you want any trains
J: nofanks, i have trains. i have two thomases
S: How about some trucks
J: nofanks, i have plenty
S: Do you need any cars
J: i have tons and tons. i need geotrax. thanks. bye.

And then we tried to get a picture, which worked. Marginally.

Santa told me I was a lucky mommy to have a little boy who only wanted one thing.
Santa doesn't know I'm mean and I tell my kid that you only get one big present because I don't want a spoiled little asshole on my hands five years from now because he didn't get a million things and doesn't understand that Santa runs under the same economy that we all do and times might not be so good down the road here.

You would think the preChristmas memories would stop here, but no. I took Jake out for a sandwich and hot chocolate at the Cosi on 12th and Walnut where I like to hangout on weekends when I dump the boy on Dave. Jake thought he was a man, with his hot (read: warmish) beverage and the NYTimes in front of him. He took sips and sighed, and every time I tried to talk to him he said that he needs quiet because he "hasta read".

That kid's a riot.

*that's not from this year, this year the Magic Christmas tree is back. But I like that you can see the pipe organ pipes**.

**"pipe organ" sounds like a euphemism.