25

I've been tagged eight billion times with this 25 Things About Me meme that is taking over the world. I don't even have Facebook. Isn't this thing supposed to stay there where it belongs? How did it leak out into the blogs? Is it because no one has any sort of creativity this time of year? Or is that just me? Crap, dude. I don't know. Twenty five things that you don't know about me? Please. I run at the mouth constantly. I can't imagine there are two things you don't know about me that I am willing to put on the internet. Let's have a go at it.


1. My birthday is my favorite day of the year, and on a cold Fuckuary day like today I find myself counting the days until it is here.

2. I'm a Leo. And born in the year of the Dragon. I am the walking talking spitting poster child for all of that craziness. So be careful. I just might own you by the end of the day, but don't worry, you'll have a great time with it all.

3. I was practically deaf as a child. I was always in trouble for not listening at school and home and someone had the lightbulb to have my hearing tested so I had a surgery and tubes and all that nonsense and now I can hear dog whistles. Seriously.

4. I was practically blind until two years ago, when I had Wave Front surgery. It's like LASIK for people with terrible vision and astigmatisms. It was the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm even going to go as far as say that perfect vision and the lack of glasses and contacts and migraines resulting from eyestrain makes me a better mother.

5. I can smell everything. EVERYTHING. Blame it on my bum ears and eyes. It's not a great superpower to have. I can smell crotches from a mile away. I mean, yours isn't bad, but that guy over there smells like he spent the better part of his morning up to his sack in a trash truck. See that lady over there? For some reason she always smells like a freshly opened can of Cream of Mushroom soup. I'm suspecting she may have a fungal problem.

6. I love eye make up, and I wish I was better at putting it on.

7. I like when my hair is messy and held back from my face with my sunglasses. It makes me feel pretty.

8. Sometimes I throw a little bit of my 5-9 personality into my 9-5 and I like the way I can make people laugh and forget they are at work for a minute.

9. I was sent to my room a lot when I was a kid. I listened to music and twisted my fingers and feet into weird positions and made funny faces in the mirror for hours on end.

10. I hate most 80s music. I love stuff from the 60s, 70s, 90s, and today. I never liked heavy metal or pop. But I love Britney Spears. She is a musical genius. In the sense that I won't turn her off the radio and I'll stare at her when she comes on television because she is obnoxiously hot. I've never bought any of her music.

11. The first tape I bought (or did I get it for my birthday?) was INXS Kick. My favorite bands when I was little were Simon and Garfunkle, Cream, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Jethro Tull, the Go-Gos, Joan Jett, Queen, Bob Dylan, Pat Benetar, and the Monkees. My favorite albums were Paul Simon's "There Goes Rhymin' Simon", the Beatles "Let it Be" and the "Red", "White", and "Blue" albums. I aspired to be as classy as the lady on Goat's Head Soup and as sexy as the girl on the Tijuana Brass album and when I closed my eyes I would see the cover of the McCartney album. I still do. Someday I will throw a party and you will see that my dining room table will be staged just like that album cover.

12. I am not the person I thought I would be.

13. I'm extremely sensitive to noises, lights, odors, tastes, and anything touching my skin. I don't have sensitive skin, I have sensitive nerve endings. I'm constantly overstimulated and have no idea how to shut things out but I've figured out how to act like a normal person in spite of it all. I notice everything.

14. I hate when people cough or scratch their dry skin. It disrupts my aura in such a damaging way that I can't help but get angry.

15. I took years of dance and piano but I have zero talent in either area.

16. I never understood why people would think that Jesus was white. I asked my Second Grade Sunday School teacher once, and she said that he must have been white because everyone else at the time that the Bible was written was a savage. I always disliked that woman and everyone else thought she was just wonderful. She told me to stay away from my best friends Jenny (Jewish) and Bethany (Jehovah's Witness) because anyone who wasn't a Christian was a liar. I told her that all people are good no matter what they are and Jesus would be mad at her for saying that. Mrs. Rishell, thank you for showing me your true self and giving me the gift of questioning those who are revered. Hateful racist bitch. I'm assuming you are dead and I think the world is better off without you.

17. I don't understand how people can say that they are close to God and then look down on other people or want to change what others believe in or have any sort of prejudices against people.

18. My favorite color is orange. And kelly green and royal blue and chocolate brown. I like to wear navy blue. I hate to wear black. I hate when anyone wears black pants because they look like they would smell bad. Like waitress pants. Like skunked beer and rotten blue cheese dressing and cheap frying oil. And they make me think that the only reason someone is wearing black pants is because they think they are fat from the waist down.

19. When I close my eyes and picture myself I think of myself in shorts and a tank top, struggling to climb across rocks away from water as the sun goes down and laughing at someone who has already made it back to steady land. I can't remember ever doing that in my life but I look so happy that I'll keep that image.

20. I like the way I smell when I have sunburned shoulders and cheeks and there is dirt on my skin.

21. I really like owls. But not so much the other birds. Ick.

22. I believe that there are dead people all around us. Both the icky spooky ghosty kind and the ones that look just like you and me, who go about life but haven't technically died yet. It's sad. That's why we should treat everyone nicely and fairly because we don't know how bad they have it in their heads, in their hearts, or in their homes.

23. I'm not nice to everyone. There are people who I really can't effing stand and I can't bring myself to be nice to them. I try to keep my mouth shut but sometimes it gets out. Luckily I am pretty good at being snarky without hurting people's feelings. I think.

24. I'm nice to most people I hate because somewhere deep inside I feel bad for them. I don't hate anyone that doesn't deserve it because of something they have done to me. I don't hate anyone that has done something terrible to someone else. I don't hate anyone I don't know. Not even crappy old Hitler. I hate what he did, I hate what he did from the bottom of my being but he's dead and gone and is probably getting his somewhere for now and forever. I'm sure it involves his anus being stretched to unbelievable diameter over and over and over again into eternity.

25. I stay up at night and think about people who's blogs I read, just like I do my real life friends. I wish more of my real life friends had blogs so I knew what was going on in their lives. It's way to easy to just say "same old same old" and move the conversation along to talk about the olden days when times were easier or tomorrow when it might be brighter when an old friend asks you what's up, but no one would post a blog that said "nothing but the rent" and call it a day.