real post.

I don't know why I didn't write anything about my last cancer screening. I've been loosely (and sometimes not so loosely) mentioning cancer here for as long as I've had the blog, and I've gotten some really amazing emails and comments and support from my readers over the years. Thank you.

Maybe I didn't feel like talking about it because my cancer is located in my VAGINA and I didn't want to talk about my VAGINA because then you'd be thinking of my VAGINA and next time we talked you'd be staring at my VAGINA and wondering how it feels. (that's a loaded statement). Maybe I just didn't want to talk about it because who the hell wants to read about cancer anyway? Maybe I felt insignificant since we bloggers just lost one of our girls to lady cancer and we are all a bit down about it and I didn't want to unpiss on anyone's parade. Maybe I didn't want to talk about it because I was afraid the doctor was wrong, and I didn't want to jinx it.

Should I even call it my cancer? As in I own it? Do I? I'm not supposed to, say the doctors and the therapists. But it has been about as big a part of me as my pinky finger. Literally and figuratively. I don't obsess about it, but it's always there, worming around and seeming very useless until all of a sudden attention is drawn to it. Which happens in varying degrees depending on the time of year and phase of the moon and angle of speculum insertion.

You know what? It is mine. I own it. I'm bigger than it and if not for me it would never exist so it's my bitch. I have spent the past five years struggling to keep it from owning me and it looks like I won.

For now.

The last test came back negative.

This isn't the first time a test came back negative, but this is the first time since I've had my uterus, my cervix, and my vagina all completely biopsied and cut apart and sewn shut and taped together and twisted to look like an aluminum swan full of leftovers that the test came back negative. This time there isn't anywhere left for tiny little cancer babies to hide and grow and come back to bite me in the puss and maybe, maybe this means it's all over and done with.

I'm very happy about this.