I survived the party, and I had an embarassing amount of fun even though I kinda thought that it would be much more than dollar store variety sex toys and lotions that smell like a middle school girls bathroom. Remember Salon Selectives? That appley strawberry stuff from the mid/late eighties?
Yeah, the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when my brain clicks at that smell? I don't want it in the bedroom.
Crying about World Geography and a 12 year old boy who doesn't like you back isn't something you want to bring into your marriage.
I thought that since we were in the privacy of the home there would be things that I couldn't get at the eighty million novelty stores here in town.
I was in the market for something that I couldn't get at home on a regular basis.
Something BIG. And black. That paid my bills but didn't complain about living in a drawer.
I settled for something that wouldn't send me to the ER, and hot pink. I will not be giving a follow-up report here.
But I was thinking more along the lines of things that looked like those hookahs you can get for dessert at the Turkish Restaurants. Things that looked like a giant squid that you could put in the center of the room for like, when you had your friends over or something.
That wasn't even in the catalogue. This is why I hate America and it's Puritanical values.
But it wasn't a total loss! Someone had the forethought to invite my mother in law.
Holler.
Not.
And the house we were in is plastered with pictures of Jacob because he is the Second Coming around those parts.
Luckily Dave's mom knows that I have the ability to talk like a sailor without actually saying any curse words and I'm quick with the jokes and despite the fact that I asked if I could put a few things in my butt and won a dirty word contest hands-down and came in second in the contest where we all got in a circle and passed a double-sider between our thighs like a sick game of Hot Potato it wasn't too far off from the time we spent together at Easter.
You don't know how upset I was that I came in second at something. I'm trying to convince myself that it's not a bad thing that some other chick has more experience at slinging mutant cock than I have.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
16 degrees {comments}:
Yes...Salon Selectives!! I forgot all about that line of hair products! And it does remind me of middle school angst!
Sounds like a swell time at the party. That is one demonstration I have yet to attend. Maybe I should hold one here in my neighborhood. That would be some gossip, fo sho!!
This line: "Crying about World Geography and a 12 year old boy who doesn't like you back isn't something you want to bring into your marriage" = awesome.
Aren't we *all* looking for something big and black that pays the bills and stays quietly in a drawer until called upon?
I ams scared, I ams shaking scared. I don't know if it is the BIG, the black or the doubled sided.
Holy crap I am laughing so hard! (Haha...so hard...just like the toys)
Slinging mutant cock...wonderfully and terrifyingly descriptive.
I'd be mortified if I walked into a party like that and found out I had to hang out with my mother in law!
Hahaha, that is BRILLIANT. MIL? This whole thing is brilliant.
could go to a party like that if my mil were there. There's a catalog I get in the mail that I always laugh at the tempered glass "art" that you can proudly display and/or use to pleasure yourself. Yes, let me put that big glass dildo with the pink hearts on it on the bookshelf when my dad comes to visit.
HAHA... love this!! You know I have been having my fun with Eden Fantasys... got a giveaway going on too... love the toys! And I LOVED Salon Selectives lol
Laughing so hard it hurts (and, like Karen, I'm unable to repress a snigger at the word "hard") (which made Josh look at me questioningly)(which launched me into a fit of giggles)(and now I can't decide if I should share this with him or just keep him guessing)... thanks for the ab workout!!!
I have yet to attend one of these parties. It seems as though you'd be a guest I'd want if I did get to go to one though.
Oh my! I revisited this post to tell my husband about it and we're both crackin' up! You gotta love family!
My friend Rose got me the one you were looking for years back as a gag. It was called the Jelly Chocolate Dream.
I cannot even begin to express to you how happy I am that I get to meet you in person in two short days so that we can have a real live conversation about what you wrote in this post and so I can demonstrate to you up close and personal (that sounds provocative but really shouldn't. at all) how totally immature I am.
You are warned. Prepare to be asked embarrassing questions.
A person never looks at their girlfriends/coworkers/family the same after one of those parties. It's even more difficult to not to look at their husband and giggle the next time you see them. Sounds like you had fun!
Oh my god. This? Brilliant.
Post a Comment