holiday

I spent the holiday weekend in the City of my Birth.

I rode two rollercoasters, a disappointing spinney ride, and a log flume. I hate log flumes, but they always hearken me back to a time when the only amusement we had was fluming down the rivers that we worked so hard panning gold out of during the daylight. Anyone else feel like log flumes are somehow historical replicas? No? Moving on.

We had campfires every night. That was different than real life.

I ate a lot of hotdogs and what seemed to be plates of mayonnaise with three bits of pasta, celery, and potato tossed in so I wasn't really eating a plate of just mayonnaise.

I heard fireworks, but didn't see them. It made me think of all the servicemen who make it possible for me to have what I have and do what I do. They hear explosions all the time. I hear chirping birds. It doesn't seem fair because it's not fair and I am forever grateful that even though I have a lot to say about the current state of things, I have the freedom to raise my child the way I would like to in a safe place.

I played in the grass with my son. There isn't a whole lot of that going on at home. We played soccer and football and wiffleball and golf. We played chase games and jump games and rolling games and tumble games. We played hard. We both took naps. We both have bruises and grassstain.

I saw my brother and his baby, and his baby played with my baby while I talked to my brother and I realized what life all means, but I don't have the words to tell you about it and the feeling is gone but it was there for a minute so I'm happy.
I saw all of my mom's alive family minus my big cousin in one place at one time. That hasn't happened in forever, maybe longer.
I didn't see my dad but he was in town.
I saw his mother and she looked and sounded better than she has in years. I have this horrid thought that gets inside my brain and tells me that I wish she would just go so I don't have to think about the pain she is in or the loneliness she must feel. Selfish Selfish Selfish. Who am I to decide how she feels? It was good to see her laughing and telling stories to the other old ladies at her lunchtable. I saw her before she saw me so I got to really take it in for a couple minutes. It gave me hope and comfort.

I saw my lifelong best friend, and got to remember just what it is about her that makes us lifelong best friends. There is no one in the whole world who could ever replace her, no matter how many years and miles slip between us. Both of us have thoughts like spider webs- we can take one concept and branch it into a thousand in less than ten seconds and tell you about it in under fifteen. It's probably discomforting to be around us when we are together, but it's good for us. We are only twelve days apart in age. I think that's neat. Her birthday is also the same as my brother's, and I think that's neat too. I'm glad we are getting old together. Growing up together was good, but this is better.

I had a redick migraine, worse than any I can remember in recent history. It was seriously like I was wearing a mullet of pain. It started above my eyes and ended somewhere in the middle of my back. I sobbed dry tears. I don't know what I would've done if it was a regular Sunday morning where Dave has baseball and I'm left at home with Jake. I may have called you to come over so I could ride out the horrifics without tending to the boy. Migraines suck but they force you to lie still and concentrate on something other than the pain.

My head is clearer than it's been in a decade, maybe two. It's strange to look at your hometown with a clear head.
Everything and everyone smells the same, looks the same, tastes the same, is the same but is also completely different.
It all matters but nothing counts.
I've come to a place in my life where I can say that surrounding the harrowing truths that haunted my upbringing were a great number of beautiful things and people saving me. Catching me. Lifting me out and up and onward.
I turned out good in spite of.
Because of.

I'm good.