I was right, again.

Oh joyous morning! The CDC has told the people what I've been telling you all along! It's just the flu. And Fox News agrees, so it must hold true. Every good American knows that they only preach- er- report the unbiased truth.
I should really be working for the government.
I tried one time, but they wouldn't let me because my vision wasn't 20/20 and they were kind enough to explain to me that because I have a history of DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTION I was not eligible to work under the Post 9/11 Geo. Dubbleyou administration.

I know, you're all "WTF, Lora? I thought we were totally open with each other here" right now aren't you? And you're a little salty that I didn't share my story. I can tell by the thing your eyebrows are doing.

I was advised in Interview 2 that if I have ever so much tried an illegal substance, including alcohol before age 21, I should admit to it now rather than check the NEVER box and then have it come out in Interview 11 when I was hooked up to a Lie Detector in DC and it won't ever be a problem.
I checked the YES box next to underage alcohol and admitted that I smoked marijuana 3 times. So what I left off a few zeroes, don't judge me. I knew the lie detector portion only asked yes or no questions.
And it wasn't a problem all through Interviews 3-9.
And then Nine Eleven happened and all the rules changed and a few days after Interview 10 I got a notarized letter from The US Department of Defense saying that as a former addict, I am not welcome to save America from Middle Easterners.
Not that I was aiming to do that in the first place, but all government positions were suddenly all about that.

Fast forward to today, and here I sit pretty at my Headquarters for saving America from Itself. Not shabby.

And the job I applied for? Training dogs for US Customs. I guess George thought that maybe I would train the dogs to get me my fix rather than let all the "honest" Customs workers bring the confiscated drugs to the White House.

Ain't no party like a White House Party
'Cause a White House Party don't sssstawwwwp.

So I guess we will get a week off to relax and breathe and hire back our housekeepers and landscapers while they figure out another way to make Americans fear the Wrath of God and Brown Foreigners.

*there is some amazing stuff online if you Google "Swine Flu Jesus (or God or Christianity or Punishment)