maybe not dead. call me in the morning just in case.

I never trust any C-words that are changed into K-words because I feel like white supremacists are weighing in with their heavy hands and changing things up in the English language.

It's cute, to change S's into Z's and C's into K's, right whitepeople? We're all like Boyz instead of Boys because we understand blackpeople and all like Amerikan instead of American because we are blonde, pale, protestant, and proud.

And notice I'm using the Oxford Komma. Only white people in the know use the oxford comma. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not Amerikan.

I'm drunk.

Dizzy drunk.

I may or may not have polished off a bottle of wine.

Could you tell?

Just warning you.

You might wanna start stop[ping reading now.

I'm leagin the typois. Leving thee typos. Leaving the typosl. Toypes. Typos. This might take all night.

I feel like Kris Allen just won American Idol because John McCain lost. Like all the Amerikans were like "skrew the talented buttfukker~probably Democratic~ fancy boy, I want the Amerikan married wonderbread straight man to win and bekause that black guy won the elektion I'm gonna vote for Kris so Jezus wins in the long runz."

This is why American Idol is WAY more important than the Presidency. Jesus wins. America wins. Go team usa.

As if Jesus has ever been concerned about America.

GASP!
There is a lot going on in his homeland.
I'm much more koncerned what's happening in Erie than what's happening in Philadelphia. And I'm made in His image, so the story goes.
Deductive reasoning tells me that The J is way more concered about the giantness problems in the Middle East than the budget krisis here.

My television is only thirty some inches. That's my biggest problem right now. Bombing? Meh. Genocide? Eh.

I feel fat. I think I'll wear a burka tomorrow so you don't notice the bulge.

Don't tell anyone, but I would buy Kris' album before the guy who wears eyeliner. I secretly like Jason Mraz coverbands.

But I would totally gang. Oops. My slip. Hang with the gayGuy late night. We would be fierce. Fabu. We would Turn .
This mother.
Out.
Loser be damned.
Who's hot.
We're hot.
Let's do shots.
(Why is everyone looking at us?)
Because we're pretty.
And pose. And turn. And kiss. And giggle.
And pose.

This is the best thing that ever happened to my new gay boyfriend Adam Lambert. I might get my haircut just like him.

I know I have some pomade in my top drawer.
And I am an eyeliner whore. I could totally be his new BFF.
We could trade makeups.

I'm giving up cheez. Cheese. Maybe.

I eat a halfa avocado a day when they are in season in replace of the eighty pounds of mozzarella that I shove in my piehole all the time.

Only Haas. Only flan. Hlaf. Half.
Gah.

Bed. Soon.

That AT&T commercial makes me want to love. That one where the boyfriend is all like "hi from paris hi from london hi from right behind you".
Really really love. Love Love. With a capital L.

I like when people call me L.

Elle.

Sounds sophisticated.

If I ever buy a girldog I'm gonna call her Elle. Or Sophia.

Then I'll be all like "hey jake, if you were a girl we woulda called you sophia. or cecilia. we weren't sure, then our attending post-partum nurse was named cecilia and i was all morphed up and in her face and told her that you would have been Ceci but you had a penis and she understood because she has seen a lot of girls all high on drugs and motherhood so she really got it- really got what i meant~ and she pat me on the head and showed me how to show you how to eat from my boob so she is really the girl who saved your life because you would have starved without her" and then we'd all take a deep breath and get on with it.

Then I'd havta get a girl dog and call her Cecilia. Or Sophia. Or whatever we didn't call the first dog. Kid. Same difference.

My girlcat has a boy's name.

First born.

I'm okay with my second born slithering out of a dogina. A dog's vagina. It's okay if my charges walk on four legs.

This is why I'm taking a break from blogging.

I wish I could make these letters bigger. And redder.