how i do

One of my real lifers wants to start a blog, but doesn't know where to start. So guess who she came to? This girl, who has 13 blogs on her dashboard with 5 in her deleted options blogger box.

I have a lot to say.

No one wants to constantly hear the noises that come out of my head in real life. No one. I understand that. I don't like to listen to people either. But I do like to talk. And I like to read. That's why me and blogs are tight.

I told her that I learned a long time ago that if you are going to talk as much as I do you need to give your non-computer people some downtime. So I write. It started out as pen and paper stuff, mostly. But then I got in on the internet and found some people who will listen to me when I can't get any face time with my flesh&blooders.

I also learned that if you are going to talk as much as I do you best be slightly funny, because people need a reason to not do their grocery list in their heads while you go on and on about your tiny silly life that means nothing to nobody but you and your cat. Especially when you're me because I tend to rant and say things that probably shouldn't be said in front of too many people so I use humor as a cushion.
Softly, softly.

I learned that if you are going to be me and have my kneejerk, undereducated opinions, you best let everyone know right away that you know you are only half sane and you know you are pretty far out on the limb and you truly do hate and love everyone equally regardless of anything.
I learned that skin has to be as thick as Coke bottles because people like to talk back and rightfully so.
I love a talker backer.
I like a little sass.

If we were face to face right now you would see that I'm sticking out my butt and slapping it with four fingers that I just licked.

I just did that for reals so I wouldn't be lying. My cat jumped at the smacky sound.
Sorry Tyler.
Poor Tyler, she's so old. 12 years old on the 21st.
That's 84 in dog years.

So then my friend asked how I come up with stuff to blog about, and I told her that I usually blog when I feel like talking but no one is around to listen. I just type the things that I would say if we were all standing around in the kitchen together. I don't change it any because then I feel like I wasn't being true to myself, and that's most important to me in all this. This is MY blog. I don't swear in the kitchen as much as I do here, because I'm a lady, dammit. But my brain swears sometimes, so I let the bad words sneak in here.
There aren't too many people who read this who come back for Jake updates like in the olden days so I'm okay with typing about ME. Most of my family ditched me here because they don't like my tone.
These are the same people who washed my mouth out when I was a little girl.

I've always been mouthy.

When my mouth got washed out, I bit down on the soggy slimey bar which would be scraped across the backs of my teeth and I would have to sit in the corner for a v.e.r.y l.o.n.g t.i.m.e without rinsing. I still freak the eff out if I get a tiny bit of soap in my mouth. In fact, I don't even really wash my face just in case some bubbles slip in.
I wish that was a joke. The blackheads and pubescenty pimples you can't see from where you sit authenticate my story.

I never said a bad word until seventh grade. It was "shit". I prayed for forgiveness for three years after it passed my lips. Then I said "freaking" when I was 15 and I didn't get struck by lightening. Somehow. Despite playing in the rain wearing underwire bras. I still don't like when people swear. I feel bad for them because they don't have an adequate vocabulary in life and because they will burn in hell in death.
Just saying.

What the he-hockeysticks am I talking about?

Oh, blogging.

So I pretty much just assume you all are my besties and so I talk to you the way I talk in real life about things that sometimes I don't get a chance to get off my chest when my mouth is flapping.

Sometimes I find myself re-telling stories to people, always prefaced with "I don't know if you read my blog so I'm sorry if you already know this but..." and I go ahead and tell the story again, sometimes more thoroughly and with funny faces and grandiose hand gestures. I always assume that reading something and hearing something are equally amusing and slightly different.
I'm secretly in love with myself so I figure everyone else is too and they just can't get enough of me so doubletalking is totally acceptable.
Don't hesitate to correct me if I'm wrong.
I probably need to hear that.

I only say about 70% of what I have to say because I like to save the heavy stuff for the people I email back and forth with after they comment. Are you one of those people? Because if you're not, you're really missing the good stuff.
Am I right, loyal commenters?
You guys know things about me that most of my real life friends don't know. It's so easy to talk to you when I don't have to look at your eyeballs and you tell me secrets about you in exchange. That's my favorite part about blogging.

The release.

So how about you?
How do you do your blog?


Heather! said...

I have some catching up to do....I've only got five blogs and one protected one in which I use that tone that people don't like. I did that for years before I ever had a public blog. I have no idea why I'm commenting except that maybe it'll make me wittier by association or not. I need to start that suburbanity blog back up again. That makes seven...

Amy said...

It goes in waves. Sometimes I spend so much time talking and e mailing with people I have nothing left. Sometimes I can't shut up. Right now I feel like I need to change the whole entire thing but I've just got to much else to do so when I can I read other people's blogs. I wish I was a sasser because then you could yell at me but I find you hysterically funny so I just laugh and compliment you. I'm going to try and find a little disgruntlement, just to shake things up.

Little Ms Blogger said...

In total state of anonymity.

I started blogging last year when I lost my job at the encouragement of my sister (I secretly think it was because she had to listen to me ramble and thought if I blogged, she wouldn't to listen - WRONG).

The info is all me, very few people I know read or even know I have one.

I keep it secret because of potential employers. I'm seeking a position which requires a VERY serious person.

Ummmm...good luck with that. I figure by the time they find out, I'll have charmed them and they'll never let me go.

sammy said...

i pretty much have sooo many random things floating around my brain that i need to let it out and i love randomness! i like the way you put it, for the release. ive got notebooks of stuff ive jotted down and blogging is just an extension of it really...although i cannot stand the word 'blogging'. sounds like something associated with toilet humor, as in 'man i just had taco bell and talk about some serious blogging!' but i digress. (see what i mean)

i think blogging about the individual random instances that rumble about my noggin, instead of just blurting out something like 'katy perry's hot!' while already engaged in a conversation about someones dead dog or the price of mochas at strabucks, i somehow dont come across as crazy as i actually am ya dig...was that a long ass sentence or what??

Lucy said...

I have one blog, that I do not share with my family, co workers or friends, well, actually 3 of my closest friends have the address. My husband and two children share in it too. I love blogging. I get it all out and I enjoy reading blogs a lot and commenting on the blogs and emailing back and forth. I am closer to my blog buddies than 'real lifers' and I think that is neat. It would be nice to be that close with face to face friends but for some reason we just don't dare. I think I am closer with my blogger buddies because we all tend to be so open, you can feel it. I know you read about the fakes but the ones I go back and forth ones are the ones I stick with. The ones that don't acknowledge after a while or have a gazillion commenter I don't bother with, I might just read of few of the 'big ones' but never comment and others I just drop.
Wow, I rambled tonight!

Tiffany said...

I think I'M schizo! I try to be somewhat humorous, but I spend too much time worrying about my audience. I have all this stuff I WANT to blog about, but nobody who I feel would want to read it, or who wouldn't be offended by me if I just opened the floodgates!

troglodytis said...

fuck'n hell, i'm missing the good stuff. oh, well.

i blog with a billy club. and in spurts with long dry spells. and have no readers. cause of the long dry spells. but i never start a sentence with a conjunction.

Heather-Anne said...

My blog (as you know, Lora) is really personal. I don't make any apologies for loading it with pictures of my sweet boy and what me & dear hubby are up to. It is for the pleasure of grandparents, aunties, uncles and close friends who are now all over the globe. It is most likely dull to anyone else. I rarely make comments on anything that could upset or embarrass family on there, I journal the old fasioned way when I need to let the crazy out of my brain.

Shelly Overlook said...

You got your mouth washed out? OMG that must have been horrible. I remember watching one of those nanny shows on tv and the mother would make her kid bend over and she'd squirt anti-bacterial liquid soap in her kid's mouth. I can't imagine.

Tracey said...

I used to get a spoonful of tobasco when caught lieing(sp?). Know what I learned? Become a WAY BETTER liar. Now I throw up a little bit in my mouth if I even get a whiff. When my 6 yr old son asked how I was disciplined as a child, I told him and he was all, "no way mom!" Then he later saw my mom and reported back to her that he was 'in the know' about the hot sauce abuse. Her reaction - coming to me, angry that I told him. She doesn't want to be known for that. Interesting...

Salty Miss Jill said...

My blog is a repostitory for whatever happens to come flying out my head at any given moment when I'm sitting in front of the computer. It's also a place to store the random videos and images I happen to enjoy. And if people want to comment, that's an added bonus.
I used to get the soap-against-the-back-of -the-teeth treatment, too. Do you think that's an Erie thing?

Call Me Cate said...

I'm not sure how I do. I think it depends on which of my blogs. My blog that's read by family is kind of an update for them as well as a rather bland factual recounting of dates/events.

I do have a completely private blog where I babble all the things that just bubble out of my heart with nowhere else to go. Good, bad, everything in-between.

My primary blog around here, Show My Face, was supposed to be what's above and private now. I still let out a lot on SMF. Stuff I'd tell real life friends or the husband if they were around. Stuff I'd rather not chat at the coworkers during the day. Some of it is just writing because I want to write. Definitely a hodge podge.

I like being considered one of your kitchen besties though!

Lizzi said...

Who knows how I blog. I don't.

I usually have a million random thoughts and rants and observations running through my head all day at work, but by the time I'm ready to blog I'm pretty much done with them. So, when I'm at a loss for words I lean on photos. Like anyone wants to see all my photos.

I never had my mouth washed out with soap, but did get my neck scrubbed with Ajax. My Nana was crazy.

A Free Man said...

How do you have 13 blogs? That's madness!

I may be approaching blogged out. I don't know what the hell I'm doing it for anymore. Oops, I cussed. Damn it. Shit, again. Arrgh.

Actually, I'm trying to avoid cussing at home because I don't want my boy to wander around saying 'fuck' to my Mother-in-Law. Although I would like to sometimes. Followed by 'off'.

Amanda said...

I blather on when I write blog posts, and I don't care. It's my blog. It's what happens when a mom stays home and doesn't have other adults to talk to very often during the day. Nick Jr. turns an adult's brain to mush. My 2yo can count to 20 in English and 10 in Spanish though. Go Figure.

Mel @ A Box of Chocolates said...

I agree 100% that you have to be you and do it for you before other people will follow along. Honestly, all bloggers must be in love with themselves to take the jump and start a blog about them and their family. My favorite blogs are those that aren't afraid to say it as it is...real life bloggers. I do my best to email after a comment is made and agree with you that this is where some of the best conversations come from. I'm sure you will do great teaching your IRL friend how to blog! Blog on.

Haley said...

I say anything I want to say. I say things I can't say in my "real world" life. Things that my friends cant handle, things that my husband can't handle. things that I wouldn't be able to say out loud with someone around. Plus, I can be funnier on my blog...my husband doesn't find me funny at all. People on here do and that makes me feel good. The off-air comments are the best!

Lucy Arin said...

I started blogging as an outlet for my rampant liberalism during the Bush administration...saying anything out the in the real world that even slightly maybe implied that you didn't agree 1000% with him and his policies was likely to get me a beat-down in the area of the world where I live. I wrote as an outlet for my anger over what he was doing to our environment, our young military service people, not to mention his "faith-based" initiatives. Does NO ONE remember the whole separation of church and state thingy in the constitution?

I'm also an activist feminist, and blog frequently about the abortion debate.

Then a year or so after I started blogging, I started having serious issues with depression, and I wrote about therapy, the meds, my own personal journey through that mess. I discovered that I got more responses and more readers when I talked about my insignificant little life than when I ranted about politics. Huh. So now it is a little of both.

HG said...

I used to write a ton, but then petered out after a couple years. Then I posted infrequently and briefly. Then I went on hiatus. Now I'm back and still struggling, but I cleared out my archives of inane posts or ones I've thought better of (had a nosy real-life neighbor snooping) and I'm trying to get my groove back. However, bossing people about the Christmas plans seems easy for me - I just put up a mega post, the largest I have in eons, doing just that.

So reflection is hard for me, bossing is not. HEE!

Gwen said...

You're right. There's a LOT of good stuff in your emails. I always feel so special when I get an email from you. Is that weird?

Gwen said...

Also - Your blog is awesome. It is truly unique and interesting and funny and blasphemous (that's a good thing).

I curse a lot. I wasn't allowed to when I was little so I'm making up for lost time. I didn't get my mouth soaped for cursing. My parents just went straight for the belt. I would have preferred the soap, in all honesty.

jennifer said...

Praise Allah, I get to take turns writing my one-and-only blog with Emily. We alternate days and I'm so carefree on my days off. I don't know how you single every-dayers do it.

well read hostess said...

I wish I knew.

The more I plan what I'm going to write, the lamer it is.

lacochran said...

I try to be universal and amusing but often it is just what it is and no more. And that's how I do.

SM said...

The way I blog has changed over the years. I've been doing this for about 5 years now!

I'm much more reserved that I used to be. I once wrote everything that popped into my head. I participated in stupid blog games like HNT and did meme's and awards and all kinds of stuff like that.

Like I said, I'm much more reserved. Most of my readers are my blog-friends from when I was more out there. And those who are new to reading me (like you) don't know as much about me as they do. And I feel bad that you don't know some of the same stuff they do. But I don't know if I can ever be that same blogger again.

Although I'm more reserved, I'm definitely not brief. I'm still as rambly and long-winded as ever. Perhaps moreso. I guess when you don't post as often as I once did, you have more to say. Or something.

Emily said...

I wish I had more time to blog. I wish it was as effortless as you make it seem to be funny and real. But I do love it -- and rarely do I sit at the computer with blogger's block. Lately I have been channeling bloggers I admire like you and WRH and Deuce because I aspire. Not in a creepy way but something will come out and Ill like it because it sounds like something you all would say - even though its mine.

I also want to comment more but cant seem to find the freakin time!! Makes me cranky. But you have become a regular when I have a free moment and for this I am grateful.

JMH said...

Wow, a question at the end of the post asking people to talk about themselves. Is that a nicer way of saying "I wonder what kind of weirdos are lurking around here?" I'm possibly just projecting. I'm possibly the only weirdo.

How do I do? I just arrange words, sometimes trying to make myself laugh, or indulge my compulsion to repeat sounds, or to articulate something that I would never say aloud. But it's mostly arranging, sorting into infinite piles if you prefer.

noexcuses said...

I don't know how I blog, really. I have an idea...then I start talking (writing) and after I've changed the subject 20 times I go back and revise.

I used to only blog when I thought I was funny. It was important for me to be entertaining. The more blogs I read (when I have time) the more I'm learning that it doesn't matter what you talk about, and it doesn't have to be funny. My hope is that it touches someone, somehow.

I try very hard not to blog when I am angry, because I'm afraid I might speak ill of someone (even though I'm careful to change names) and it will come back and bite me in the butt. I just get it out in Word. I'm saving all the garbage about how the school district has unfairly treated my children (and, of course, me) until the day after the youngest graduates! That's when I will start sending the manuscripts out!

Lora, I think the bugs to which I referred in my post are mostly the little mites that you find in pillows and mattresses. The condition of the stuffed animal also depends on how it has been stored. Mine was in the attic in a cardboard box. Who knows what has come in and out of that cardboard box. If the animal has been stored in something airtight or plastic, there's probably not much to worry about. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Mites just make you sneeze or have a little rash that can easily be treated.

Joe said...

My stock - borderline instinctual - answer when a friend or family member asks how Tyler is doing is, "Well... If you'd read my blog, you'd know that..." almost like I'm offended that complete strangers read my blog more often than some of my family members. It makes it doubly annoying when I know that I've written a particularly awesome post, and I know that not nearly enough people have seen it.

Domestic Goddess said...

I am rarely one of those people that sits down at my 'puter having planned what to write. I sit down, read a few things and then the lightbulb goes on and I impulsively type something, edit it slightly, maybe check the spelling but almost never reread it. That means I sound like a doofus and misspell stuff and make grammatical errors all over the place, but oh wells.

I do it because I need to vent. I can bitch at the internets and no one cares. It is an outlet for me, creative and emotional.

My IRL friends read it (some of them), my sister reads and I just found out my husband FINALLY started reading it. I don't care if anyone finds out, either.

Cara said...

You crack me up. I started to blog to keep my family up to date on my children, none of my family even read my blog. Then I realized I suck at writing so I started posting more pictures. I fell in love with pictures but would love to write more, it just doesn't always come out right.

punkymama said...

I started blogging for something to do for me being a newly working part time parent from being a full time working parent. It had morphed into ranting about my kids issues to horse sex. Wish I had more time to blog. Sigh

Brandie said...

You are so right, and I feel really fortunate to be one of those people you email with.

I love this post. It may be my favorite yet. You are too real and funny and it makes me smile. It makes me glad I 'know' you. Even though we've never met. But sometimes online friends are just the best. You're the best.

Organic Meatbag said...

You are a totally cool cat, and this blog kicks a...I mean, butt...hehehehe...sorry, I have to admit I cuss like a fu...I mean, a dirty sailor on my blog...
But regardless, you have style... good stuff...