One of my real lifers wants to start a blog, but doesn't know where to start. So guess who she came to? This girl, who has 13 blogs on her dashboard with 5 in her deleted options blogger box.
I have a lot to say.
No one wants to constantly hear the noises that come out of my head in real life. No one. I understand that. I don't like to listen to people either. But I do like to talk. And I like to read. That's why me and blogs are tight.
I told her that I learned a long time ago that if you are going to talk as much as I do you need to give your non-computer people some downtime. So I write. It started out as pen and paper stuff, mostly. But then I got in on the internet and found some people who will listen to me when I can't get any face time with my flesh&blooders.
I also learned that if you are going to talk as much as I do you best be slightly funny, because people need a reason to not do their grocery list in their heads while you go on and on about your tiny silly life that means nothing to nobody but you and your cat. Especially when you're me because I tend to rant and say things that probably shouldn't be said in front of too many people so I use humor as a cushion.
I learned that if you are going to be me and have my kneejerk, undereducated opinions, you best let everyone know right away that you know you are only half sane and you know you are pretty far out on the limb and you truly do hate and love everyone equally regardless of anything.
I learned that skin has to be as thick as Coke bottles because people like to talk back and rightfully so.
I love a talker backer.
I like a little sass.
If we were face to face right now you would see that I'm sticking out my butt and slapping it with four fingers that I just licked.
I just did that for reals so I wouldn't be lying. My cat jumped at the smacky sound.
Poor Tyler, she's so old. 12 years old on the 21st.
That's 84 in dog years.
So then my friend asked how I come up with stuff to blog about, and I told her that I usually blog when I feel like talking but no one is around to listen. I just type the things that I would say if we were all standing around in the kitchen together. I don't change it any because then I feel like I wasn't being true to myself, and that's most important to me in all this. This is MY blog. I don't swear in the kitchen as much as I do here, because I'm a lady, dammit. But my brain swears sometimes, so I let the bad words sneak in here.
There aren't too many people who read this who come back for Jake updates like in the olden days so I'm okay with typing about ME. Most of my family ditched me here because they don't like my tone.
These are the same people who washed my mouth out when I was a little girl.
I've always been mouthy.
When my mouth got washed out, I bit down on the soggy slimey bar which would be scraped across the backs of my teeth and I would have to sit in the corner for a v.e.r.y l.o.n.g t.i.m.e without rinsing. I still freak the eff out if I get a tiny bit of soap in my mouth. In fact, I don't even really wash my face just in case some bubbles slip in.
I wish that was a joke. The blackheads and pubescenty pimples you can't see from where you sit authenticate my story.
I never said a bad word until seventh grade. It was "shit". I prayed for forgiveness for three years after it passed my lips. Then I said "freaking" when I was 15 and I didn't get struck by lightening. Somehow. Despite playing in the rain wearing underwire bras. I still don't like when people swear. I feel bad for them because they don't have an adequate vocabulary in life and because they will burn in hell in death.
What the he-hockeysticks am I talking about?
So I pretty much just assume you all are my besties and so I talk to you the way I talk in real life about things that sometimes I don't get a chance to get off my chest when my mouth is flapping.
Sometimes I find myself re-telling stories to people, always prefaced with "I don't know if you read my blog so I'm sorry if you already know this but..." and I go ahead and tell the story again, sometimes more thoroughly and with funny faces and grandiose hand gestures. I always assume that reading something and hearing something are equally amusing and slightly different.
I'm secretly in love with myself so I figure everyone else is too and they just can't get enough of me so doubletalking is totally acceptable.
Don't hesitate to correct me if I'm wrong.
I probably need to hear that.
I only say about 70% of what I have to say because I like to save the heavy stuff for the people I email back and forth with after they comment. Are you one of those people? Because if you're not, you're really missing the good stuff.
Am I right, loyal commenters?
You guys know things about me that most of my real life friends don't know. It's so easy to talk to you when I don't have to look at your eyeballs and you tell me secrets about you in exchange. That's my favorite part about blogging.
So how about you?
How do you do your blog?