loud

One time, I was lying on the couch in the middle of the day, wracked with an arthritis flare and the resulting sadness that this causes me because there is nothing in the world that I hate more than sitting still and there is nothing in the world that I do better than throw a pity party for my poor sore self.

Jake walked over to me and put his lips on my forehead and said "are you sick mommy? you look sad."

I said, "yes, my bones hurt and it makes me sad that I can't get up and play".

Jake offered to go to the store and get me "Cymbalta because it's for hurting and sadness".

I don't take nor have ever taken Cymbalta. No one we know publicly takes Cymbalta. Cymbalta plugs itself a whole lot during daytime hours because if I know anything about advertising&depression&chronic pain (and I think I do) I know that there are lots of depressed, hurting people watching television at lunchtime. People who are mentally and physically able to leave their bedside don't watch much television at noon. Three year olds watch television at noon.

***

One time, we were practicing spelling on the potty, because we have a lot of downtime on the potty so we do something constructive like write&spell&soundout letter combinations and three letter words. We were on our "e's" one particular day and were practicing words that end in the -ed sound. Like bed and ed and fed and jed and led and ned and red (mcqueen!! mcqueen is red!!) and ted and wed and zed and
"-ed! Like Ed! like E D! like veeeevvvaaaa vyaaggrraa!"
Viagra. My son thinks that everyone named E-D Ed! needs Viagra.

I don't take nor have ever taken Viagra. No one we know publicly takes Viagra. Viagra plugs itself a whole lot during baseball games because if I know anything about advertising&ED&baseball fans (and I think I do) I know that there are lots of dried out/limp, older people watching television during baseball games. People who don't have small children and are mentally and physically able to get it up are probably getting it up during baseball games. Three year olds watch baseball games.

I don't like to type much about sex here, but I love me some summer-evening, windows-open, sun-setting, birds-chirping, game-on doing it. Perks if my belly is full of somethings boozy and grilled and I'm a might bit sunburnt and wearing flavored lipgloss. Let's never talk about this again. My face is flushing.

You know that song Paradise by the Dashboard Light? With the sexytalk baseball commentary stuck in the middle? Yeah. My heart cries for that guy in that song because that biznatch really trapped him. I have some friends who got trapped like that. Now all they're left with are bittersweet memories of highschool glory days and a fat wife who doesn't feel the need to shave her moustaches.

***

This morning, we were putting on socks and shoes and chugging coffee and watching the news or maybe something animated and I couldn't stop yawning because I'm insomniatic lately and Jake said "are you tired mommy? do you need Ambien CR? It helps you sleep all night"

I said "no baby, I don't really agree with taking medicines all the time because I think that it is healthier to just work out whatever is making you sick or awake naturally if you can at all help it"

Jake said "yeah, that's dangerous".
Then he said "why does that chicken cross that road?"
Me thinking it's a joke says "I don't know why?"
Jake "I don't know but that chicken walks right out of the house at night and crosses the street without his mommy and that's dangerous".
Me "Yeah, don't ever walk out of the house at night and don't cross the street ever without a grown up".
I was really confused, but luckily the Ambien CR commercial with the street crossing mommyless rooster came on three minutes later.

I don't take nor have ever taken Ambien CR. No one we know publicly takes Ambien CR. Ambien CR plugs itself a whole lot during the wee morning hours because if I know anything about advertising&insomnia&morning news/cartoons (and I think I do) I know that there are lots of exhausted, sleep-deprived people watching television in the morning. People who are mentally and physically able to wake up normally don't need the television blaring in their face at 6.30am. Three year olds watch television at 6.30am.

Three year olds are spongy and absorbent.