I don't mean like they die or anything. That's too deep for this blog.
I mean like you are a person, place, or thing that they have to give up so they get sober.
I have.
More than once.
I am a person. My presence is a place. My awesomeness is a thing.
"If you hang out in the barbershop, eventually you'll get a haircut". That's what they say in AA. Watch out, I have scissors. And a really fun chair that goes up and down when I push this metal thing with my toe.
First off, I understand and support and wish everyone who is seeking sobriety the best in life, even if I can't be there to get to know the real person behind the $100 bartabs and hair that I get to hold.
So says my sensibilitiness.
But you know what?
And here it comes...
Listen, Girlie. Fuck that. I broke up with YOU, bitch. I broke up with you because you were just too much and you know what? I dumped your drunk ass way before I had my baby but I erased you from my life when he was born because I did that with everyone who I wouldn't leave with my child in the case of an emergency because I don't trust you.
I don't trust you because of what you did to your friends, your family, your damned self. You took what we all had and soured it. I loved you. I loved us. We were so effing fat! Remember? We still could be, but you didn't listen. You didn't listen to any of us when we asked you to stop. When we suggested that we go see a movie rather than go to the bar. When we thought that it wasn't cute that you almost drank nail polish remover. When you didn't remember if you went home with that guy. And that guy. And that guy. And that girl. You did. Every time.
I know why you called. You didn't call me to apologize to me because you thought I needed to hear that you were sorry. I know your ass is sorry.
You called because it is one of the steps. Number 8. Only 4 more to go, and I think you'll be good at Number 12 if you make it.
Don't you remember where I work? I've helped people sober up. People have paid me to do that. Because I'm good at it. I do that because I know how out of control it can get. I've seen it. I've lived it. Why do you think I stuck by you for so long?
I tried. I tried so I could sleep at night. I tried because I cared more than you did, and I know you needed someone. I tried so I could at least shrug my shoulders and say I tried.
I understand that you aren't at a point where we can do nondrinky things together, but if you ever are, I want you to know that I'm a good time when I'm sober. I want you to know that I stayed sober so many times that you didn't. You always assumed everyone was as drunk as you were. No one was as drunk as you were.
Good luck. Godspeed. Good bye. I can't watch you turn your heart from gin to Jesus but I'll be here when it's over. That's hard for me to stomach. I don't trust that process. I try, but I can't. I never say this aloud, but I've seen too many people substitute their Higher Power* for their booze. I have a hard time buying someone's faith if it is only as strong as a vodka tonic. The addiction doesn't go away, it transfers. But whatevs. Sometimes it works and that's what counts.
I hope it works for you and if I ever see your name on the front page of the paper it doesn't direct me to page 2B.
*when I worked a SOA (Sex Offender Anonymous) group, one of our guys used his dog as his Higher Power. He said he was "so damn backwards that Dog was God". That's funny. He was a riot. Sometimes people who do bad things tell good jokes.
One guy used the tree in front of his house. He planted it with his grandad and his daddy when he was a little boy. It was his earliest memory. I liked that guy too. Not the baby raping part, but the sentimental tree hugging part.
22 degrees {comments}:
addictions and addictive personalities are not so high on my list of favorite things. I totally get the addicts addicted to recovery or dogs or anything else = ugh thing. I could go on and on and on on this topic.
I can't say I have ever experienced the addiction thing with someone. I have obvioulsy heard about the 12 steps and have even read them, just don't know them by heart. Not sure why the person had to call you but it sounded as if it hurt you some. I hope your friend makes it and I hope your hurt doesn't last too long, cause it does sound like you considered the person a friend at one time.
Oh my... this hits way to close to home. Losing one of my best friends right now ( well... over the last few months) to alcohol and the bar.. and her drinking friends... because she cant seem to stop. her husband has had enough and her kids are too little to figure it out right now but I know they will... its a mess. I dont drink. my hubby is 10 years sober and we just dont do it. so we have nothing in common since this friend/neighbor is drinking daily. its a mess.
That step (the say sorry one) has always seemed a little awkward to me. Do you have to call EVERYONE you hurt? If so, doesn't that encompass a vast number of people before rock bottom? And is strikes me as a little shaming at a very delicate time. And judging (because I like to judge) by this post, it's not so great for the apologizee either. And if you relapse and go through the steps again, do you have to call all the same people and say sorry again and that you messed up or just the people you hurt since you relapsed? I guess it is all part of catharsis and whatnot and that people have figured this stuff out. Anyway. Hi!
Wow. That's some pretty powerful stuff.
Hey, I noticed you sent me an e-mail a week or two ago. My May was so consuming and I am finally get my head above the water. Give me one or two more weeks and then let's totally meet and have a martini or something!
Well. We could have quite a conversation. But not in this forum. I don't actually even know why I'm commenting...
Wow. How horrible. I know the steps & recognize when others use them, but they've never been used on me.
I have a friend that hangs out with a group of people that tell she's only fun when she drinks. I told her they are assholes and that she's fun whether she's drinking or sober. I also explained 'true' friends don't require you to drink.
That sucks. I'm sorry you got dumped because you remind her of her past life. It's not your fault. Not that you don't know that. I've seen alcohol work at it's finest and it's not pretty. It's nice when it's used as an excuse for doing rotten things to good people.
I hope she finds peace. I hope you do too! I still think you should move in across the street from me! :)
At least she realized she needed the steps even if it meant you got benched. And for the record, in those situations, you never cut them off, they walked away from you. Ask my mom. Oh wait, she just says what an ungrateful bitch I am.
Anyway, I'm totally with you on the getting sober and finding another addiction, even if it is faith. Just because it's good, doesn't mean it's not an addiction.
I have known and loved too many people who died addicted. It was the reason I stopped bartending the first time. I have a group of close friends who are sober. I knew them as drunks, took some time off, then got to know them again sober. They are my anchor to the reality of some people get sober and not all die.
I have known and loved too many people who died addicted. It was the reason I stopped bartending the first time. I have a group of close friends who are sober. I knew them as drunks, took some time off, then got to know them again sober. They are my anchor to the reality of some people get sober and not all die.
I have had this happen more than once. I drive by the house of an old best friend everyday, but can't stop, can't call, nothing and it breaks my heart. She was the same way. She never realized that I was the one that was sober, putting her 5 year old son to bed, explaining why mommy and daddy were sick again...trying to explain that it would be ok. But now, my husband and I aren't allowed around because we just can't be trusted...too bad I am still their son's legal guardian if anything ever happens to them. I would be a stranger to him now. It seriously breaks my heart. I have friends that have battled back from addictions to heroin, coccaine, and meth...they did it. They retained many of the friendships from the time of their addiction...but they realized that they were the sober guiding lights helping them on the road to recovery...sure we remind them of their addictive pasts, but we also maintain a bright future with their sober counterparts. It can be done...but it sucks when you are cut from a persons life because of what you remind them of, even if you had nothing to do with that addiction. Addiction is just heartbreaking all around. I will have to write about a similar experience with my husband.
I've known some people like that...and if I would've continued with my former waitress lifestyle, I would've been that person. Only I think AA is bullshit, but that's another longer story.
Been there. Dumped people's drunk asses because of my kids. I also dump people who aren't mentally aware enough to deal with my kids, because they require ATTENTION.
wow. you have no idea how powerful this is and how close to home this just hit. i was married to an alcoholic. i tried to accept it so i could say i tried. i did everything i could to stay. eventually i had to get out. i suffered. he suffered. everyone around us suffered because of his addiction. he refused to get help. he used religion as a crutch...acting like what he did was God's plan for him. to be an addict. it was so disturbing to me and made me so full of hate and anger. i'm glad to be out of it. i know all to well what it's like to be in a relationship with an addict.
My hubs is an alcoholic and it's been in the forefront of our relationship for as long as I can remember. He's sober for now, (alcoholics are never "cured," they just transfer the addiction to something else...I now fully recognize that)and I'm so very proud of him. He was never one to get mean, or out of control, or embarassing, but he knew it was a problem and he shut it down for us. He's since transferred that overwhelming drive into working out, and he's so much happier. I can't even begin to explain how hard it was to watch him struggle with it for so long, but I'm so very proud of him that he was strong enough to take a step back and recognize the effect it was having on his family, and especially his health. No one really knows until they witness it first hand. Good for you for eliminating that source of negativity in your life. Protecting the babes comes first, always!
You've read my blog and my thoughts on addiction... it seems as if every body has to deal with it somewhere in their life, and that sucks! In the last 3 months, an old friend has come back to me and he is bringing the drama around again. I hate crack heads/ alcoholics/ all people who choose drugs over life. Thanks, Lora for starting my day off all bitter and cranky.
I've lost a few people to addiction, in the sense that they are no longer the person they once were, in that addiction (in my opinion) destroys the human capacity for happiness, in that I just can't be around you anymore.
I've also lost people to addiction, because they overdosed, they ended their lives.
There are also people who went through the addiction and maybe I lost them for awhile, but they came back through the other side. Maybe our relationship is different for it, but we are not lost.
Yeah, there's a lot of addiction in my family. A lot.
I'm sorry to hear that your friend's phone call has you so frustrated. Let me just say she's used this step all wrong. A good sponsor would have guided her to make amends in natural situations where they will not cause harm or ill feelings to the person being apologized to... not a random phone call. Some people have worked their ways through the steps multiple times before making amends to all the people they have harmed, because the appropriate situation has not occurred.
um... amen? that sounds awful, but still. amen. to all of this. it's like having the heartbreak all fresh again, and that's why i love this post (and you) so much.
Anonymous,
With all due respect, this person isnt even close to being able to complete any step if she still thinks it is someone else's fault.
And, if by good sponsor, you mean a licensed therapist/pychiatrist, I agree. If you mean a person that completed a 12 step program and is still struggling with addiction but has no formal training, I think that is a terrible idea.
anonymous,
I usually email replies back but I don't know who you are so I hope you check back!
My opinion is that she just isn't ready for recovery and is maybe speeding through the steps just to get it over with. Who knows. Maybe she was forced into it by work or a partner or a judge or something. Maybe she was jsut angry yesterday. Either way, it saddens me that she is going through this before she is truly ready
then again, it makes me mad that she said so many crazy things. She violated the basic premise of Step 9!
I understand that maybe she didn't see me as I was, but as she wanted to. so be it. I wish her well
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