stop me if you've heard this one

(chances are, if you've been stalking me for awhile, you have. I'm consolidating)

When I go all the way bald, I want a hairpiece like Babs wears in Funny Girl.


I like big sunglasses so I can secretly stare while I silently judge


My neighborhood smells like piss and cotton candy. Like its been taken over by carnies


New dollar bills smell exactly like rental roller skates


When I was little, growing up on the beautiful sandy shores of Lake Erie, I was certain I was going to be a professional waterskiier. But I've never even tried.


"I myself am... Strange and unusual"


Whenever I see a fat hairy chick I assume she has a thyroid problem. That's so insensitive. Maybe she just eats so much she doesn't have time to shave.


I just put my foot in a shoe that makes me understand why people put lube INSIDE condoms. Delish


Big dudes drinkin Little Hugs cracks my shit UP


I know this is hard for anyone to believe but lots of people have dropped the feed for this site lately. Lots.


One of the reasons my town is so weird is because you have hundreds of years worth of crap kicking around.


Can you recycle dead birds? Because I've got one in a paperbag, and I don't want a ticket from the trash police telling me to recycle the paperbag.


I've always wanted to meet someone named Earl so I could call him Speedoo


Tonight's recurring vision: Colin Powell in a red sequined ladies jazz leotard, sashaying across a stage yelling, this is what we SHOULDN'T be doing in Egypt!


How many almost-33 year-olds sit alone in the dark listening to the Rocky Horror soundtrack and sing every word just for funsies? Anyone, anyone? Just me?


Trader Joes is funny because you can shop 4 food that most white people have never eaten, but in essence you are doing the whitest type of shopping in the world


My mind is officially tricked, practically blown. Well done, lobby of the Comcast Building. Well done. I almost puked.


Each morning I take a minute to look in the mirror and pull stray hairs out of my lip and chin and I always think "gosh, I love being a girl"


Why do people wear patchouli? Are any of you old enough to remember Skunkor from HeMan? They scented him with patchouli. Because it smells like skunks


Why do people gather in the kitchen? Seriously? That's where I put my TRASH!! And the chairs are hard. Couch soft...


I feel like bugs are all over me. I don't want to turn on the light because there either ARE bugs all over me or I'm effing batcrap crazy.The light will reveal one of two disturbingly unpleasant truths.


Why do people laugh at me when I tell them I'm addicted to caffeine? Its not funny. Its sad. I need help. Is there a church basement for me?


To do: 1. make bucket list. 2. panic about dying. 3. Do a couple things on there. 4. Ditch it and get on with normal life.


I just had a public trans experience so rotten that I wouldn't have been surprised if there was a crate of chickens in the back


Is it wrong that I get the same feeling walking around a hardware store as I do watching porn?


Sometimes I wonder what my cat tastes like. That's not a metaphor. Just a sick truth.


I love warm wet days. People let their hair go natural, they skip the makeup and dressy clothes and everyone looks so beautiful.


I'm obsessed with learning how to whistle w my fingers in my mouth. All I'm accomplishing is lightheadedness and spitting all over myself


I lie to the greenpeace canvassers and tell them I'm already a member and thank them for their hard work


Ive been lugging a new notebook for days but haven't used it. Once the first pen mark is down, promise & potential of perfection is gone.


i want to reach a level of success where i don't have to poop 18 inches away from my co-workers.


There are noises happening in my house that I would be afraid of if I didn't have a cat. I am assuming its her & not a ghost or a bad guy


When I can't decide to toss something or not I think "what if I died suddenly & my mom found this while going thru my stuff?"


Why is it that I'm 100% accepting of tranny whores but can't for the life of me understand why someone would be a Mariah Carey fan?


Does anyone else think that eating the easter ham is just a porktastically delicious and symbolic "eff you" to the Jews?


I guess once your out of philly, pizza shops are quiet places since there are no cheesesteaks being made every other minute


I like to think that roller derby girls smell like cake and whiskey.


Just saw a real live organ grinder. Until recently I thought they were called monkey grinders.


I like to use handicap stalls in public restrooms. I call them taj ma-stalls.And about any weird looks upon leaving a taj mastall, I just say I have a colostomy bag. No one has ever asked me to prove it.


I'm such a fraud when it comes to bring a real live grown up. Are you guys just pretending too? Or do you really have it together?


Whenever my cat goes nuts on my blanket for no reason in the morning, I get scared there is a bug in my bed.


Ever drive around listening to the radio and you hear a song that describes exactly where you're at in life and then you feel weird because its Super Tramp and then they play Hey Ya and you car dance for no reason? Talk about confusion and embarrassment. This must be the exact feeling as when you realize that maybe just maybe you might be gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that


Bartending 101: frozen cherries are adorable and delicious in your whiskey. Frozen strawberries are not.


Aer Lingus is like the dirtiest sounding thing in the world.


The contestants on jeopardy have the lamest stories. Maybe if they took their nose outta the book they wouldn't be such losers.


You know its bad when step 1 of housecleaning is walking thru every room w a trash bag.


Am I the only one secretly happy when their kid is sick? I'm not a munchauser by proxy mom or anything. I just like the cuddles


Yo gabba gabba makes me miss my old days of after hours gay discothequing


If I came to your house and it looked like my house does right now, I would totally judge you.


Minnie is either an excellent faghag or a terrible beard.


Sometimes when I pluck my mustache I put the hairs between my eyebrows and pretend I'm Frida Kahlo. Or Bert.


Why do truckdrivers attach stuffed animals to the grills of their big tricks?


I just punched a bee


I feel like I look like an off duty physEd teacher today. Polo shirt and clam diggers.


If I was nomadic and tribal in the rainforest, I wonder what my feet would look like. Gnarly and solid I'd imagine. Imagine how their crotches must smell.


I used to be plagued by visions of bunnies in a hot air balloon rising above Alaska, taunting the goats they were leaving behind.


When I close my eyes I get this picture of a 95 year old lady dressed like Little Orphan Annie jumping down a flight of stairs just to impress her friends


What do I think? I think Jesus reads my blog and lols. That's what I think. I'm pretty sure he can take it.


I never buy hampers because I hate extra crap in my room but I have no problem throwing my clothes everywhere


The weather feels perpetually May and it is making me let my summer slip by


Gah! I feel like a Katy Perry song.


Al roker is hanging out at my gym. Not as a celebrity


I just had a "what the hell happened to my gum" moment. It was in my mouth. Now its gone.


Truth: my last name isn't Peron, but googling me will lead you to Evita.


Truth: if someone put a little H2O in my rum I probably wouldn't notice. Teenagers are smart with their booze stealing ways.


I love loud puerto rican music on a hot summer day


Whenever I'm in a funeral procession, I think of ways to steal the orange car flag.


I'm pretty sure I'm a gay man trapped in the body of a lesbian.


I have my bathing suit on under my clothes. 3PM Thursday.


What's with all the seersucker suits? Has the whole world gone mad? Southern? Gay?


Just caught a coworker trying to nurse a hangover. Nothing worse than still having the munchies and dry heaving at the same time.


The chilly night air across my bare back makes me more than happy.


Everytime I hear of a body found in the river I wonder if tiny little pieces of that person are in my drinking water or raining down on me in the shower.


I like to look in other peples windows just to see if they have anything I do. Thanks to ikea, the answer is usually "yes"


What does it mean when you pass a hot dog truck and your nipples get hard? I'm asking for a friend, of course.


I'm having trouble shopping for clothes lately because I can't tell if anything is a shirt,a skirt,or a dress. Sleeveless and stretchy leaves room 4 creativity


I may be the only white person in the Indian restaurant, yes. I may also be the only one enjoying the endless Talking Heads set pumping quietly thru the place.


I have a hard time saying the words naan and chorizo without sounding and/or feeling like a douche.


I wonder If everyone is as considerate to their obgyns as I am. You should always bring clean socks and babywipes. Always.


Based on the number of autism awareness ribbons on the cars in S Philly, I'm assuming that 90% of my neighbors fall somewhere on the spectrum. Explains a lot.


Teaching a kid how to ride a bike shows me how unflat my flat city really is. Everything is tilted 15 degrees. Srsly


The Ting Tings steal from Blondie more than they give credit.


I like my $7 fancy silver frames from Kmart better than my $60 fancy silver frames from Macys. What's that say about me? What's that say about the world?


Its not noon, but I have been up for 4 hours. Can I grab a drink?


What's worse? Knowing your way around the state store or having no idea where they keep the rum?


One of my favorite things to do is but the boy one of my favorite childhood books and wait until we are together to crack the binding.


You know how when you don't cook fish because you don't want your house to stink? My neighborhood smells like a stinky fish house (hooker puss)


I like dogs that bring to mind the word "scamp". But only big dogs, little dogs are gross. Who wants a cat that can't use the litter box? Ick.


No sir, you cannot suck my toes just because you aint never found no white girl to let you suck her toes. And this has nothing to do w the color of your skin.


I find the backs of playing cards to be extraordinarily gorgeous.


My neighborhood smells like concord grape skins.


Ever see someone really tall and really fat? Can you imagine how much food it takes to keep that up?


Why can I sit around in my bathing suit with my friends but not my underpants? So stupid. Its not like they haven't seen my upper thighs and belly before.


I let my kid play w markers a little bit each day. That way I don't have to bathe him constantly and can just assume that purple streak just happened.


Something caustic is dripping from my basement pipes. Is this the water I drink coming in? My piss going out? Srsly, its etching holes in the concrete floor.


Where in life am I that I'm nodding my head in agreement with amy effing winehouse? This is like when I understood the MTV Britney spears special.


Whenever I see a garbage bag on the side of the road, I assume it is full of kittens. Or someones wife.


I like watching people's toes work when they wear open toed shoes. They get all grabby and crickety.


Holy mother of us all. The ice cream truck is playing the MASH theme song. It sounds adorable!


Dilemma:do I take my kid to see the giant house fire on broad street? Or do I respect the tenants of the house? They're fine. They even got the cat out.


I think its funny when people ask me if my tattoos are real. Wher can you buy fake ones like this?


I walk real close to lunch trucks just so I can smell them.


Country music stars have the best guitar straps ever.


Holy crap I'm dying of sweat. This is an awful way to go.


And now I'm traveling south but feel like I'm falling west. I think I know where I left my innercompass. Its getting it back that's a problem.


My internal compass is off today. That rarely happens. I feel like I'm going west but I'm really headed north. This has me worried.


The word "steaming" reminds me of the words poop and soup. Poop and soup rhyme.


I love the heat and smell that comes off an empty lot full of weeds in the summer


Sometimes I hear the slide whistle from "groove is in the heart" in my brain.


Kill me now and ask questions later. I just had a fleeting desire to get a unicorn tattoo


Thing I'm not trusting right now= childless lady at the playground with her face painted like a butterfly/tiger


The fun thing about looking at pictures in your friends photo albums is they keep the pics you threw out once you became a mother.


Walking past a construction crew on a chilly day with no jacket. They can't stop staring at my cute new sweater.


My house smells its age today. Its like I can feel the late 1800s in my nosehairs.


I love when people practice classical instruments with the windows open in the spring


Drinko de Mayo. Why are you so delicioso? Why do you even exist in my white bread culture Americano? Why doesn't autotext have an upsidedown question mark?


Jesus isn't plaguing is with swineflu. Stop being so assholish about things. Its called life, wash your hands often.


I welcome the toilet cake smell of the Lombard South station because it signals my homeboundedness


I find unrivaled comfort in eating one peanut butter and jelly per day.


If I'm ever feeling down on myself, all I have to do is put on a tiny shirt and stand around in my grocer's freezer section looking confused.


I am slightly obsessed with the smell of hose water. I associate it with the good parts of my childhood, not the repressed parts. That's saying a lot.


Squirrels that chose to walk rather than scamper are simultaneously the most unnatural and most adorable thing I have ever had the chance to behold in my life


Hot dry windy days make me, feel like me.


Sometimes I dumb down my English for the benefit of my immigrant neighbors.


Why can I configure my Gmail html better than I can configure Blogger html? They are the same monster, right?


I have those cargo pants that roll up and button w a hidden strap that tickles my ankles on a hotwindy day when my pants are long. It makes me infinitely happy


Vaginize: the act of talking down to me because I'm a girl. Stop being so vaginistic. Its making me realize what a total douchebag you really are


If you had any idea what I was doing right now, you'd be green with envy


I feel like if there is a heaven, it must be a lot like Tuscany.


gum is not an acceptable substitute for a solid oral hygiene routine.


Out of my mouth came the words "sure, I'll go the the Phillies game with you" but my head was saying "oh good, now I can give you your dildo".


My current problem isn't that it's freezing in here and my nipples are hard, it's that they are hard and pointing in different directions and I have to pee really bad but I don't want my coworkers to know I have gecko nipples.


I trade artificial sweetener from the kitchen at work for tiny pieces of my soul.


Every time I come home I prepare myself to find my cat dead. She's not dead now,but I have to go out again which means ill have to go through this at least once more before sundown


I'm loving everyones brightly colored & freshly pedicured toes this weekend. Its just like when the cherry trees blossom, but kinda not like that at all really


I think I might be the only girl my age in the world that thinks wearing short shorts is wildly inappropriate after age 30. Its rude to show me your vericoses


I don't understand why my body works in a way that can make poop very large when the hole it comes out of is very small.


This is the kind of day where I wish I was a smoker because it would be delicious to sit outside and enjoy the weather. Ill just have to settle for a drink


I've got electric boobs. A mohair suit.


Whenever I see a mom who is prettier or skinnier than I, I tell myself she is a nanny and will get really gross when she's pregnant


Sometimes when I have a moment of serenity and complete clarity, I'm afraid someone will shoot me in the back of the head like what happened to the dad in American Beauty. That's also why I don't make out with high school girls.


When I'm walking all by myself I take these really long strides and squeeze my ass cheeks because I feel like it helps make my butt look better


I want to work somewhere that I can wear scrubs. They are fucking glorified jammies


Oh terrific! Explosive pooping AND jury duty!


I find it wildly amusing that we find the smell of lighter fluid and charcoal appetizing


I always get teared up for the guy in Paradise by the Dashboard Light. That bitch trapped him.


If I had time and money to do it, I'd quit my job and become a cabinet maker. But not Amish.


Everytime Jake gets on the bus he announces that he won't pick his nose. I wish everyone made that commitment


The birds outside my window in that tree over there must be half slow. They sing all night long and I'm all like "dudes, its 1 o' effing clock in the morning. You are trying to wake up a street light".


I like to mix Benefiber into my coffee. I call it my "cup of go"


The wind is making me look like Ed Grimley


Drinking gin whilst wearing a tank top makes me feel like Ms Hannigan.


Whenever I see a man using an umbrella I wonder if he secretly likes to be spanked. Or maybe is wearing panties.


I enjoyed watching a bunch of sparrows do it w each other in the tree out front this morning while I had my coffee. I guess spring is hereI was a little jealous they were getting it so good, but there's not enough coffee in the world to give me that kinda energy in the AMMy guess is they were up all night drinking tequila and experimenting w E. Seriously. You shoulda seen some of the things they were doing


i want to reach a level of success where i don't have to poop 18 inches away from my co-workers.


To do: 1. make bucket list. 2. panic about dying. 3. Do a couple things on there. 4. Ditch it and get on with normal life.


What would u do if you went to a FUNeral? Writing my will & thinking abstractlyI'm thinking saran wrap dresses, open bar, awesome soundtrack, ice cream truck, make ur own taco bar, and something else funDunk tank. Disco ball. Hot tub. Those long tips for ur cigs. Monocles. Pony rides. 50/50 drawings. Coloring contests. Ultrasound machine.Fortune teller. Pedicures. Petting zoo. BB guns and cans on a fence. Free kittens. In a box. Once this is notorized, its for real.


Maybe the dildo ate yer baby


Watching blues clues about the water cycle. (vapor, rain, evaporation, snow, etc) makes me wonder where the water in my coffee has been.My coffee may have been dinosaur pee once upon a time. Your coffee was probably Courtney Love's pee. I'd get to a clinic If I were you.


The eggs you eat are NOT undeveloped chickens. They aren't fertilized. You are basically eating the hen's period. SO much different.