swank

So I saw this over here and knew I just had to do it because I'm obsessed with the fact that if I was born between 1930 and 1945 my name would practically be household.

I don't mean my name would be Household, but that every one in every house would know me. Nevermind.

I always say that but no one ever gets it.

Basically I was born too late.

I saw a poster at Banana Republic about a casting call for Mad Men. I so would do this. I'm at least 50 years behind my time. And yours. Which means I'm practically in character at all times. I have the clothes tucked away in my closet. I look adorable in A-line, and can rock an ascot like you don't even know. Have you seen me in eyeliner and lipgloss? You would die. I have vintage jewelry streaming out my ears. My hair holds a set. I can walk in heels. I can carry a tray full of beverages, hot or iced or shaken or stirred. I don't smoke, but I know how to without coughing and gagging like some sort of Sandra Dee princess. I cut the crusts off of sandwiches better than your mom can. I cook with butter. Lots of butter. I love casserole. And formica.

I've never seen the show, but I can assimilate.

My biggest problem is I have the worst stage fright of anyone you know. It all started when I was 4 and I was in the preschool parade and I was supposed to be an elephant but they last minute switched me to a camel and when the camels came out I went with them but I was swinging my arm like a trunk and bellowing like an elephant and everyone laughed and from then on I got all the shitty parts in the school plays because the teacher knew better. The low point in my life was when I was Frog 7 in the second grade. Seven! Ack. I wish I were dead.

So, I'm just thinking that I'll pick up a few new dresses this season at Banana because they are sure to have some sort of gimmicky retro line and start wearing my pearls more often.

Also, regarding the title. I love the word swank but I don't like Hilary Swank. She looks just like Matt Damon but not in the way I typically love girls who look like boys. And I LOVE girls who look like boys unless they look like Harry Potter. You've seen the type, right?

And I think that Carrot Top and Fergie are seeing the same facial rejuvenatory specialist. It's hard to tell the two of them apart sometimes lately. And Joan Rivers and Steven Tyler look like twin lizards. Twizards.

This is sorta tied into how Wilder Valderama does the voice for Handy Manny, and every time Jake watches that show, I think of Handy Manny railing Lindsay Lohan and Mandy Moore after a hard day at the shop.
And Greg Proops is the voice of Bob the Builder, so you know Bob gets a regular assbanging when he isn't on the set. I bet he keeps his hardhat on.