And since I'm on the subject of graven images in my house, I'll say this.I was raised in a strict Presbyterian church, where we were taught that images of Jesus, Mary, and all other related parties were a horrible thing. If you went down on a day you had a Mary statue or crucifix or the like in your house, you were damned straight to hell. I didn't have many Catholic friends, but I was horrified that they would defy the Bible by having religious icons all over their house. Doubly in awe of the fact that they would dare pray to saints or Mary, clearly it is all against that whole "You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself a graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them or serve them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments." (RSV Exodus 20:3-6).
But I loved stuffed animals. And drawing animals and people and flowers and plants and trees. And I got my picture taken. So I guess I was a damnable child after all. I'll say this here and now- growing up, I thought God was kind of an asshole, but I respected what he had to say, because I didn't want him punishing my grandkids because I didn't agree with him. I mean seriously. What little kid is going to like an authority figure who is so damned mean and then decides to just do some sort of 180 all of a sudden?
Not me, that's for sure.
Back then I didn't trust the whole "turning over a new leaf" thing because I've never seen it truly work in the 5/7/9/11/whatever years I'd been alive.
I wanted a God that held baby deer in the palm of his hand and birds flocked to. I wanted a Disney Princess for a God. But I got some jerk who was always doing bad things to people just to prove he was stronger.
Please.
I had people in my life like that. I didn't need a God like that too. But I didn't admit it out loud, for fear of being smote and all.
Anyway, holymotherofgod did I want a picture of Mary. She looked so nice and stable and quiet and loving and gentle and pretty, and I liked the way she kind of looked like a giant vagina. Nothing says Mother of All Things Great and Small like a giant vagina. It made perfect sense to me.
What? I said I was raised in a strict Presbyterian church. Our house was quite liberal and anything but sexually repressed.
The halo that surrounded her was like the outer parts. The folds of her cloths were like the folds of the inner part. And her little face and peaked hands? Come on! You don't see it? Squint a little bit. I put it up there in black and white. Sometimes the blue and gold can throw you off.
Did I ever tell you that I was in therapy when I was a kid?
No?
Hmm. I guess I forgot to mention that here.
But I didn't think it was perverted, really. I thought it was beautiful and feminine and maternal and powerful and it made me realize what kind of magic I held simply by being born a girl.
So now that I'm all grown up and past what plagued me as a child, I think I'm finally ready to get what I've wanted for years. And it will be glorious. Hopefully with some gold leaf and silver foil involved.
I can has VaginMary?
23 degrees {comments}:
You're right - this picture does sort of look like a vagina!
When I was a kid I was scared to death of going to hell, and we were taught in church that God even knows what you're thinking - so you have to THINK nice things too.
You have no idea how many times I prayed to God to forgive me for having mean thoughts toward my brother, or "thinking" about a swear word.
I think it's horrible to impose faith on kids by scaring them.
I have thought that forever but never quite brazen enough to mention it. That's your job!
One technicality that I didn't understand until I was a grownup: we Catholics don't pray TO saints; we ask them to pray with us and intercede for us.
Which does not explain the magical "St. Anthony, look around, something's lost and can't be found" beseeching except that maybe my car keys are not important enough to bother Jesus about directly.
And while I was always annoyed at the distinctly second-class role of women in the Catholic church, later I realized, hey, at least Mary was Always There.
And I didn't get the whole "no graven images" thing either; no way did I think those pictures and statues *were* Mary or Jesus or whoever. But they brought them to mind, and kept them in my thoughts all day, sort of like a yarmulke is supposed to do for a devout Jew.
I could go on for hours about this but I won't. Thanks for a post that cracked me up.
You're totally right! That DOES look like the vagina from our health class text books.
My one grandma had Jesus pictures all over her house (Catholic) and they always creeped me out. I could never get to sleep over there. Good thing I mostly spent time with my mother's heathen family who didn't have any of those images in the house.
Oh those subliminal dieties!
I grew up without the church, but my grandmother and all my friends were Catholic.
I SO longed for all their ritual!
hahaha. it totally does look like one. you are too funny.
i went to a Lutheran church for 18 years. it wasn't frowned upon to have Jesus pictures, but i'm glad we didn't have any in our house because i think it would have freaked me out.
Haha! Priceless!
And with a single post, Lora revives an interest in religious art, most notably, art depicting the Virgin Mary.
I had people in my life like that. I didn't need a God like that too. But I didn't admit it out loud, for fear of being smote and all.
That was my favorite line in your post until I got to this...
Nothing says Mother of All Things Great and Small like a giant vagina.
Oh my god, you're brilliant. Some people might think the description was unnecessary, but not me. That was my NEXT favorite part.
I am sooo still laughing. Awesome amazing post.
Totally vaginal.
Now look wut you done.
Yer gonna git yer vagina smoted!
You so funny!!!
you said the word "smote"...
And vagina and Mary in the same sentence. I hope we get a suite together whilst we while away in hell.
:-)
Two things. First, I love those Mexican virgin candles as well. And serving drinks out of them is an awesome idea.
Second, I was raised Presbyterian as well, but it was the sort of soft liberal Presbyterianism that came into vogue in the late 70s and 80s. That actually annoyed me more than a stricter Calvinism would of. Damn hippies.
Mother of God, Lora, you probably just went and lost a hundred subscribers -- in a completely spectacular manner.
For some reason I've been covering my face as I've been laughing. I was raised Catholic, so maybe that's due to residual guilt. Oh, guilt, at least I've replaced you with shame.
Ha--spot on interpretation of that image. But now I'll never be able to look at an iconic image with reverence. Oh, wait, too late for that.
Oh and I've decided that you need to take me to get a tattoo at some point. But other than that, yes, coffee thursday.
I have an Mary art book. It has every famous picture of the Virgin Mary. I was raised Catholic (Dad) and Baptist (mom)- why I am so fucked up- I adored Mary and still do. I find her comforting.
My mom had this rosary that was made of dried rose petals. I would hold it in my hands and my hands would smell of roses- It was awesome.
My Grandma had prayer cards all over her house. My grandpa was a police officer so St. Micheal the Archangel (patron saint of police) was in every room- I was surronded by these images my whole life. I can go on and on...
Jealous?
f8hasit: your comment...LMFAO!!! :D
LOVE IT. And if it makes you feel any better, not only do I have a beautiful potter's plaque of Mary on my living room wall-- and one of Mary Magdalene right below that-- but my four year old has a plastic jesus that he *had* to have when he saw it hanging next to Einstein and Marie Antoinette at the bookstore (you can even pull it back and he'll sort of zoom across the table). Bad, I know. But the older I get, the more I'm thinking God has GOT to have a sense of humor...And if not, just don't stand too close to me in case I get struck down:)
I had no idea that Presbyterians taught that about religious images. I'm Catholic and grew up Catholic but lived in a Presbyterian and Dutch Reformed community so we weren't all out there with our Catholicness. Hell, we rarely went to church unless it was time for one of us to go through communion or confirmation. Anyway, maybe this is why our house was light on the Jesus and Mary images. I think Mom had 1 thing above the archway leading into our dining room. And we all had crucifixes in our rooms above our doorway. But other than that, not much else.
And, thanks, because now I'm totally going to see a vagina every time I look at a picture of Mary. You're so right!!! It's totally a cooch!
Get thee to a St. Jude shoppe!
(I get lost in that place and spend a mini fortune, which always perplexes my mother who is endlessly begging me to go to church)
I was raised Catholic. 12 years of being taught by nuns and priests to boot. And I still marvel at how Mary slipped past the women hating powers that be and basically usurped her son and celestial husband as the go-to and most beloved.
Who's the asshole on the bottom?
hahahahah!!!!
our lady of guadalupe, not mary.
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