It's my turn to stay at home with Jake today. 
Dave stayed home yesterday, and I can't ask him to miss work two days in a row, but man oh man, work is SO much easier than putting on PBS and blogging staying at home.

The house is kinda picked up.  There's a load of laundry done.  I'm showered.  If I was at work I'd just be sitting there and catching up on my feeds and drinking gross officecoffee because it's too cold and windy outside to go buy some overpriced stuff from Last Drop, my coffeehouse of choice near the office.

Holy crap Barney just came on and Jake begged me to leave it on when I tried to change it. 
Jake has terrible taste in television.
I'm dying here.

I just put on SpongeBob.  I love SpongeBob.  I don't love Barney and his "friends" romping around a pretend park asking "why why why do I keep asking why why why because there is so much things that I want to know why why why so I ask why why why all the time".

Did you ever see Death to Smoochy? 
If not, you should.  It's awesome.

Luckily Samantha is on her way over.  I love that I have so many teacher-friends.  They come in handy during the Christmas break and summers when I feel like playing hooky mommy.

She said she has to stop at two stores before she gets here.  I'm secretly hoping one of them is run by the State.

Oh my brain.  I need a grownup.

Jake is doing so much better than he was yesterday.  I came home to take him to the doctor, and he puked there, but in a trash can.  Jake is a toilet puker.  That is the ultimate definition of potty training.  I'll take having to wipe his butt for the next two years if he keeps up the good work with running to the toilet every time he feels like he's gonna puke.

He puked when he woke up.  He woke up in my bed.  I'm SO glad he didn't puke on my bed, and it was almost adorable to see him hunched over the toilet, yacking his little morning guts out.

He has an ear infection, and is on the pink for ten days.  My child can drink Robitussin and Mucinex and all the other nasties with nary a shiver, but he thinks Amox is "a little bit sour and kind of gross".  That's my boy.  Pretty soon he'll be drinking gasoline, just like his mama.

Vodka and cranberry?  God no!  That is disgusting!  Do you have anything brown?  A nice Scotch?  A decent bourbon?  I'll take it warm.

What a mess.

Anyway.  So the doctor.  Let me preface by saying two things.

Thing 1) I hate when people don't follow doctor's orders, especially pediatric recommendations.  Now, I'll admit that I followed the UK standards of feeding the boy.  Late to start solids, by "American" Standards.  Everyone is in such a damned rush to feed their babies food over here.  I think it's appalling.  But I introduced things like eggs and nuts much younger than most people.  I find it wildly hilarious that the mom who doesn't allow their baby to have peanut butter until 2 years old is shoving pre-packaged pudding and ice cream down it's face at 5 months old.

And 2)  I'm going to put this as bluntly as I can.  Ready?  If you allow your child to have soda, I judge you.  I put you in the same catagory as a woman who smokes while she is pregnant.
I'm sorry. 
No I'm not.
I'm not sorry. 
Soda has absolutely zero redeeming qualities.  It's expensive, it's full of sugar (or chemicals to replace the sugars), artificial colors (or bleaches to make it clear), and it has no vitamins. 
I'm not the biggest fan of juice for kids either, but if you can't get your brat a glass of water or milk, do it a favor and at least give it 100% juice.
I am somewhat of a hypocrit, because sometimes I give Jake an iced tea or a lemonade for dessert, but there is something about a kid drinking soda that makes my skin crawl.
Jake has had more coffee and booze in his life than he has had soda.
If I'm having a gin and lemonade, I'll let him take a sip.  If I'm having a rum and coke, I'm all like "put that down!  there is soda in there!"

I'm an awesome mom.
You can totally judge me on that the way I judge you for giving your kid a Pepsi.  I'm okay with that.

You do have social services on speed dial, right?
Anyway.  So, the doctor suggested lots of fluids, like (and I quote) "Gatorade or flat Ginger Ale"
Oh no.
Oh gah.
The needle slid off the record as soon as the words were out.

I didn't argue.  I'm not that kind of person.
I nodded and smiled and my brain said "over my dead body".

First of all, ginger is great for an upset stomach.  Ginger Ale and Ginger beer were medicines in my house growing up.  In the 70s and 80s.  When they put ginger in it.
There is no ginger in ginger ale anymore.  There are carefully calibrated chemicals that taste like ginger in there.

Second of all, Gatorade?
The color alone is enough to make a girl wonder.
It's full of very long words with very few vowels.  It has the chemical make up of liquid plastic.
Or something.  I made that up.  That's not a proven fact, just one girl's opinion.
If Jake is a bit dried out, I make this concoction of citrus juice (OJ works, or lemon juice, even if it does come out of those plastic lemons) and honey and salt and water.  I know how to spell all those words.  I know what is going in my kid.
(Also, it is a great morning after remedy.  Not the kind of morning after remedy that gets rid of unwanted babies.  But the kind the helps you get over the headaches and shakes.  I wish there was a remedy that gets rid of babies when you have the headaches and shakes.  I think that I'm going to start a sobriety plan where I loan out babies- not yours or mine, but the ones lying around the City waiting for adoption and stuff- to drunks and make them deal with a hangover and a baby at the same.  I'm sure they will be cured of alcoholism in three days)

That said, I want to admit something here.  I'm totally addicted to Cherry Coke Zero and G2.  If I have one, I won't stop drinking them for a month.  If you are already in love with these products, you know what I mean.  If you haven't tried them, don't say I didn't warn you.

I'm also addicted to Fiber One Peanutbutter and Oats bars.  Don't want to eat too many of those in one day.
And I like to put sugar and so much parmesan cheese that it sops up the sauce on spaghetti.  And I ate all of the Reese Bells and Rolos from our stockings that were wrapped in green foil in one day.  And the other day, I saw a Cheeto on the 10 Trolley floor and I got off two stops early so I could buy a bag of Cheetos and I ate the whole thing in three minutes AND licked the orange off my fingers.  I like to crush up an entire row of Oreos in a big noodle bowl and pour milk over it and eat it like cereal.  When I have the house to myself, I put Jake to bed and run downstairs to make an entire box of vanilla pudding and I put it in the freezer because I can't wait the entire 5 minutes it takes for it to pudd (if Jello jels, then pudding pudds) in the fridge and then I eat it all, pouring Smucker caramel sauce on each bite.  Sometimes I make a bowl of hot fudge sauce and pour a bag of Reese Pieces in there and eat it like soup.  The Pieces melt, but they stay in the shell.  Try it.  I like mayo on my french fries.

My new year's resolution is to start taking care of myself the way I take care of my child.