I really don't want to turn this into a healthblog or a pityparty, but sometimes the follies of my healthcare adventures are just too, I don't know... major I guess, to let fade away into the back of my brain.

I guess when I was getting my head MRI'ed today, I should've given the techs a disclaimer.  An MRI of my head looks a hot mess.  I had my face dug apart a couple years ago and I only have about 10% of a sinus cavity on the right side and there are a few implants keeping my eyeball in place on that side and parts of my nose are missing and there is tissue where tissue shouldn't be and no tisssue where tissue should be.  Needless to say, it doesn't look normal at all on the inside of my head.

But, I wasn't there for that nonsense.  I am finally taking responsibility in getting the care I probably should have gotten twenty some years ago.  I've never really been able to turn my head to the left very well, and I get blinding and bloody headaches on a pretty regular basis.  Blinding like I can't see anything and bloody like blood comes out of my throat and nose and ears.  It's happened almost my whole life, and my parents took me to a neurologist almost 30 years ago when these headaches started right around the time my grandma died of a brain tumor and they didn't find anything wrong so I was just sort of convinced that there was nothing wrong and it was just part of Being Me to have all those gross headaches and I never went back to the doctor.  Until now.

Anyway, I had the MRI (have you ever had an MRI?  On your head?  Let's discuss privately.  Because dudes?  That effing blows.  And I swear the pounding that happens in that tube?  Is the devil talking to me.  I hear words like "tumor" and "polyps" and "die bitch" every time the machine booms) today and when I got out of the machine, the tech, who was about 300 years old and the sweetest little thing I've ever run across in the healthcare industry, held my hands and got all teared up when she told me it was going to be okay, no matter what.  Then she touched my face and gave me a twice over and kept her hand on my back as I walked down the hall to go put my bra and earrings back on.

I'm assuming it was because behind all the gorgeousness you see on the outside, I look like John Merrick on the inside.

I'm hoping it was because behind all the gorgeousness you see on the outside, I look like John (his real name is Joseph) Merrick on the inside.

And not like, she happened upon a tumor or a polyp or anything.
Cause I don't want to die, bitch.