There is a reason I pick this time of year to live and be and eat and speak and do a bit better than I usually am and eat and speak and do the rest of the year. It's because time just drags and I want to succumb to the temptation of letting myself get sucked down down down into the swirl of abysmal nothingness that is my couch and my brain and blindly look out the endless grey box of despair and taunt and bleak that bills itself as a window during the brighter months and plot ways to destroy everything within a seventeen block radius until this all passes.
But I don't. I don't think that I do that. Most hours of the day, at least.
I have the boy's birthday to plan for. And work never stops. And the cat needs to be fed. And I guess we all need to eat and stay hydrated and stand tall and march on and learn to draw our letters and pay the bills and wash the dishes and comb our hair and the laundry pile shouldn't get so big and you know that song during the boatride part of Willy Wonka? The scary part with the snakes and chicken on the chopping block? That all plays in my headloop this time of year.
Jake dropped the D-bomb on me the other day.
Mommy, why do lasers (read: lightsabers) make us die?
Because they can be very dangerous. Like a lot of things. That's why we have to be careful and take care of each other.
Up until that very moment I/Dave and I have skirted the death thing. I didn't want to talk about it. We didn't need to talk about it. Jake didn't talk about it beyond trees and batteries. I didn't want to talk about it beyond trees and batteries.
*Mommy, what happens when we die?
*Well, Jacob, what do you think happens when we die?
*I think that when we die we are giving our bodies back to the Earth. You know, part of the energies working together that I told you about? But Mommy, what happens to the other part of us, you know, the part that isn't our bodies?
*I don't know, Jacob. What do you think happens?
*I think that it goes out of our bodies and around and around the world until it gets a new body. I also think that part can still stay close to other people's hearts for a long long time. Is that right?
*I don't know. I like to believe that, what you just said. Lots of people believe very different things about what happens after we die. Some people believe they know what happens, some people say they aren't sure. It's a mystery of life.
*Like on Scooby Doo?
*Sort of.
*Like with scary bones? (insert wiggly fingers and spooky voice)
*Sort of. There's definitely bones.
*And spooky ghosts?
*Well, some people call the part of you that isn't your body a ghost. Other names are spirit, or soul, or heart. But not the body part heart, and not the shape heart. But the heart that you feel when you love someone.
*Can we solve the mystery?
*Not today.
I was so incredibly worked up for years about approaching the whole death thing with Jake, and here he already had it all mostly figured out on his own. Figured out for himself at least, which is all any of us can ask. I don't know why I get my drawers in a bunch about certain things. I guess I just felt like once Jake knew about death, a major part of his innocence would be stripped away because he'd be worried about me dying and Dave dying and his grandparents dying and maybe even himself dying.
But, he seems to be fine and not worried about anything that I was worried that he'd be worried about so why'd I worry in the first place? I really need to worry about finding something new to worry about.
The worst of it was when he asked me how our bodies would go into the Earth. I told him that when someone died the people that love them put their body in the ground and he replied, "so since you love me you'll be the one to return my body to the Earth when I die?".
I couldn't answer that question. Instead I told him that I love him more than I love anything else in the whole world.
Day eight: Allowing myself to be surprised and enlightened by those who do not appear to be wise. Be they young or filthy or somehow incapacitated or whatever, they know much more than I think they do. And probably more than I ever may.
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34 degrees {comments}:
It is too cool when we can find ourselves comforted by the words of our children. It is so neat that he has that spirituality. Pray that it doesn't get lost.
Try to follow my thoughts....
1. I read "bleak" and gray and abyss (I think) and it seemed the perfect time to tell you that, in my opinion, January is only good for one thing - dying. (Empathy for the bleakness, if you will)
And then I realized it's February.
2. Seriously, Jake is a very old soul. I read that from some of your other posts. It comes across loud and clear. He has way more to teach than most, and it comes part and parcel with him. No textbooks involved.
It's amazing that he thinks about and can articulate concepts like death and afterlife! I know grownups who can't articulate a grammatically correct sentence!
I'm so glad you're recording your exchanges in a place where they can't be destroyed.
If you were in my head right now, you'd see bottle rockets exploding at the thought of all he's going to teach.
You don't need a window with a sunny view - you have a fiery glow living with you.
You are blessed.
How much does Jake charge for therapy? Just asking because sometimes I'm still freaked out about the afterlife.
And I'm a Christian. Go figure...
We haven't approached the "D" word here yet. We lost one of our cats in the fall and worked on "heaben" but that's about it. We'll get there when we need to. I think you handled it well.
Ironically, Annika (age 4) asked about dying the other day... who dies, what dies... does the sun die. "No, sweetie, the sun won't die." And then the 9 year old pipes up, "Well, technically, the sun is a star and it will burn out and die..." When you have older kids, it is way harder to let the younger ones form their own beliefs and opinions... yet another reason I suggest every one sticks with just one kid!
When Jake writes his book, I'm going to go to every reading and book signing he has. And I'm going to commit the book to memory. His wisdom is staggering!
Jake is definitely wise beyond his years. He's going to give his teachers hell when he gets to school.
What a beautiful old soul he has.... Wonderful, insightful wisdom from an amazing little boy... I'm still floored by the profound comments Luke makes sometimes... They stop me in my tracks and encourage me that there still is innocence in this sometimes truly F'd up world... Luvs
I think the next Dali Lama has been born too soon and lives at your house, in case they start looking for him.
This from Michele totally cracked me up. "'And then the 9 year old pipes up, "Well, technically, the sun is a star and it will burn out and die...'" There is one in every family. I do stuff like that to my sister who is 10 years younger than I am. It is so fun to freak her out. And after all these years I still can get her *evil grin*
You must trust me on this...it is perfect right now and will be for a while longer and than it gets worse...and then it gets a LOT better...and someday you will have a grandchild...of course if he is the Dali Lama..I'm not real clear if they can marry. I'm thinking not so much and I'm basing this on the tv series Kung Fu.
Oh yes....I think February feels like the longest month in the year. I dont' know why, but it seems endless. Just to let you know my position on the current month; however, it will be March very soon.
You're not the only one to feel the February funk. It's spreading like a virus through the blogosphere. Luckily, March is around the corner. Even if it isn't spring-like next week, it holds the promise of spring.
Nothing like children to make us see the world a little differently, a little better.
I was a little uncertain how I was going to explain death to the boys, but T spared me by asking my mom. She more or less told him what Jake told you. When he talked to me about it, I asked him if that seemed right to him. He told me that that's what she told him and that made it so. I couldn't argue. It's what she told me and what I accept to this day, even though these days I admit that I don't know for sure.
One of the mom's recently died on our street. Someone that none of us knew well, but got us talking none the less. We found that none of us told our children, which may seem odd except that we've wanted them to play normally with her kids and not be afraid of them. Again, they only see her kids on the street, and we'll address it when the kids decide themselves that they want to talk about it, but for now we want them to have the freedom to play without feeling like they have to answer to our children, and the poor kids really need to play and they also really need the companionship. Our kids are all young. Hers a little older. It'll come up, but for now it's what feels right.
What we've talked about as mom's however is that we can't promise our kids that we won't die. She was only 36. That's a promise you can't take back and one you can't apologize for if you can't fulfill it. Hard things to think about, but usually harder for us than for the kids. They just kind of accept it like the accept everything else. One more thing to learn.
My surroundings profoundly effect my attitude and perception. I've done spiraled out and am sort of fizzling. This winter has really run a marathon right?
We are almost out of the muck so hold on! I felt a tiny wind of spring this morning. I actually noticed birds chirping ever so softly. I think I can smell it coming. I felt it enough to verbalize it while rolling out of bed.
I hope my future children are as cool as your little guy! Give that kid a rub on the head for me will ya?
I still worry about those questions. I don't have answers, how can I give them to my kid? It comes up often. We've talked about getting old and dying and that I will die before them. But it's still complicated and scary. You did a good job letting him guide you. I'm not always good about that.
Also? My kid's pediatrician mentioned pubic hair today. Then I had to have THAT talk with the four year old on the way home. It was a very long drive today.
Hello, I am stopping over for the first time from PJ's blog SFTBOME. She featured you and I must say that I enjoyed the exchange that you had with your son. He's a smart, creative child. I guess that comes from his parents - especially mommy hun?
Keep up the great stories.
I took the easy way out and sent my kid to Catholic shcool. Now death is all about angels and wings and endless toys. Call me lame, go ahead.
What a conversation! He is such a deep thinker and he certainly makes it easy for mommy, what you worried about? No, I know, it is not a fun topic to talk about, with anyone let alone your little one but he has it all figured out in his sweet little way, now, you just have to pray no one mucks all up! I was so touched at the end when he asked if it would be you that would put him back in the earth, every parents nightmare. The natural order of things is our children put us back to earth.
Wowzers. Deep stuff.
The boy and I had that conversation at precisely the same age you and Jake did. They have such deep intellect at that age...it's strange, in a way. I felt like I was talking to my grandfather. Although, my son's version included the body being recycled in teh ground (you know, like biodegradable?) and the ghost part going to the clouds.
I'm beginning to think that you are going to have Buddhist monks show up on your doorstep some day.
I recently had the D conversation with my youngest. It was short lived. I felt incredible awful not to be able to have the beliefs that some people offer their children. Pasting on beautiful things like Heaven, and all that. I told him that we are basically recycled. We become a part of the earth again, so that we can help the trees and flowers and grass grow. That our souls become apart of the energy that surrounds us and he didn't like it. He was bothered about it for a few days...
I hate this subject.
I do not believe that Jake is a child. Seriously, he makes more sense out of death than I can. Even with the Scooby Doo stuff...I just get it. So either Jake is old for his age or I'm immature for mine. Either way, great post.
Interesting post! I am totally in with Death....the Heaven and living forever part that is. Makes my heart skip a beat. It does!
Jake's a cool kid and is so creative in his thinking process. Even with the complex subject about death.
As for this extended "winter" time...Bleck!!!!! I am so ready for spring. I do have sunshine today which is very cool. But a snowstorm is on it's way. Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!
Hugs
SueAnn
I am that person slumped on the couch. I hate it.
This week we made a point of eating better, so the part of my day that is not all grossed out on the couch is spent looking at new recipes, counting calories and inventing new ways to make the junk food that we love healthier for us.
So I guess I am not slumped on the couch, it's probably just the emotional part of me that feels all lazy and depressed.
This short year we have received enough bad news of dying. I have had to explain more then I care to in a two month period to a six year old. It sucks.
I
That is an incredible conversation with your son. I found it very comforting and uplifting on this dreary day in DC! Thank you.
Limerick Off challenge tomorrow. Tell Jake. And Happy Birthday to him!
Jake is a little too wise for his own good. I could have used him the last couple of days with my girls. My dad died on Tuesday and we buried him yesterday. It was tough to wrap my head around never mind explaining it to an 8 and 6 year old. I know what I believe and what I hope happens after you die but you never truly know.
He is genuinely awesome....
my youngest daughter asks the best/hardest questions. some are hard because i struggle with finding the words to explain so she'll understand. others are hard because i had never thought about what she was asking. like the time she caught me off guard and asked 'daddy, whats grass made of?'
to top it off, she has a slight, yet cutest, lisp. how am i supposed to focus under these conditions?
You have a really smart and wonderful child... must have gotten it from somewhere. I'm guessing that was you!
Thanks for making my night.
Have a wonderful week.
when i was a kid i got my first panic attack from thinking about death. and i've had many more ever since then. my parents took me to a counselor because i was so upset about it. about just stopping being. the counselor gave me this book to read - Freddy the Falling Leaf. it did not help. but i pretended it did because my parents were worried and i didn't want to upset them. i've spent the years of my life learning how to talk about dying without actually thinking about it because if i actually think about it i will have a panic attack. 7 or 27 and i'm still absolutely terrified. beyond terrified. jake's serenity amazes me - you have an incredible boy.
I still don't know what I believe. Maybe I don't want to know.
What I do know is The King is going to ask questions too. I better figure out a response.
I like how Jake thinks.
It's beautiful how they get it all figured out and are simply comfortable with it, isn't it? How there is no fear, no worry, it just is and they are completely content with it's is-ness. How there isn't any ego-driven "I was better *here* so I deserve better *there*". Just a peaceful acceptance sans judgment/justification. We all need more of that, I think.
"Just like Scooby Doo;" how cute is that??
Ryan got really obsessed with death questions around the time the dog died when he was almost 3. He got a bit morbid but he did well processing it. You did a nice job.
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