1.  My camera is broken.  It wasn't too awfully expensive, but I wouldn't pick this week to be the week it breaks, and I don't want to spend another hundred bucks on another crappy point and shoot.  Why is it that I could have one camera for 15 years, and then two going on three in four? 

Oh, right.

2.  Is it terrible that- you know how I'm in a wedding next month?-  I can't stop watching the video from her first wedding, 11 years ago?  Not because I was crazy about the marriage or the groom at all, but that wedding video is one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life.  If the videographer didn't cash in on that shit, he's an idiot.  We are idiots for not cashing in on that shit.  Have you ever seen that shit?  I'll show you that shit next time you come over.  That shit is funny.

Sheeeee it.

3.  Ever since talking behind the make up girl's back about her acne, my face has exploded.  I'm doing what I can to make it better, but it's slow going.  I shaved my upper lip this morning to make appearances little better.  I was looking like a 14 year old boy there for a few days.  Would you like fries with this post? 

~Sing along now~
I shaved the stash
I shaved the monster stash.
I shaved the stash.
It was a peach fuzz stash

That's enough of that.

4.  Almond windmill cookies never change, and I like that about them.  Especially since they reformulated Lorna Doones.

5.  My cousin and his wife had a redheaded baby the other day.  Her name is Lauren Elizabeth. 
Two things
a) redheaded babies are met with smiles and head shakes.  The smile says "I love it" while the headshake says "you shoulda tossed that one back in the pile and picked out another one, would'a saved y'all a lotta trouble". 
Redheads are trouble for sure.
It's nice to see the red hair is still alive and well in the family.
b) that poor little girl.  When ever she gets in trouble, she's going to get called Lora.  I can hear it now. 
There is like a mental block in the Jones' that makes them forget who the hell they are talking to and holler the wrong name.  If I had a nickle for every time I was called Janet or Janie I'd take us out for ice cream cones.  Double scoops.  And Lora doesn't even sound like Janet or Janie.  My cousin Aryn got called Lora all the time and she HATED it. 
Lauren and Lora is close.  And my aunts and uncles have had almost 34 years of practice screaming things like:
Lora, get your arse over here!
Lora, knock it the hell off!
Lora, what did you do now?
Lora, what the?  Lora!!
Lora, why?
Lora, start thinking before you act/ what were you thinking?
Lora, I've had enough!
Lora, Lora, Lora (headshaking, general resignation, hands in the air, etc.)
And the one that gets the most airtime:
Lora, watch your damned smart mouth.

Poor Lauren.  She has no idea what she was born into.

6.  I got Botox last week, but it's not what you think.  My head's not on straight (srsly) so it was an attempt to turn it the way it's supposed to be.  I have to wait ten days or so to see if it will work.  I'm hoping, because if it works, it will maybe get rid of some of my neck, back, and shoulder pain.  My head is facing more forwardy, but the pain.  Gah, the pain.  I wonder if Botox in the face feels like this.

Does your face hurt?
It's killing me.

It was funny rescheduling my appointment at work, and saying "I won't be able to make it tomorrow because I don't have my Botox yet." in front of my co-workers.

I chose not to explain to the eavesdroppers.

If they would've asked I would've said that I cancelled a date.

7.  I think it would be really funny to write a book based on my kitchen sink conversations with Mary.  I also think I'd be in trouble with the Religious Right and the Cat Licks. 

We talk about a lot of zany stuff.

8.  My birthday is in a couple weeks (August 15th, mark your calendars).  I don't know what I want.  A new tattoo is high on the list, but what to get and where to get it?  I'm thinking of having some cover-up work done on my thigh tattoo, and starting in on an upper leg project.  I like thigh tattoos.  It's way better than looking at the spider veins and bumps.

I think that tattoo artists should advertise the ability to cover up spider veins, scars, and faded stretch marks in order to up their thirty-something lady business.

Or maybe they aren't into touching thirty-something lady parts.

9.  I'm more than halfway through with A Prayer for Owen Meany.  I wish everyone read that book at least once in their lives.

10.  I was out late last night, and chose to ride the El and subway home rather than getting in a cab.  I love late night public transit.  I love late night Philadelphia.  Especially on a cool, clear night when everyone is out and happy.  I miss being outside all by myself in the middle of the night, there isn't much doing that since Jake was born.  Four years gone by and it hasn't changed a lick.  I like that.  Especially since the Lorna Doone reformulation.

What?

11.  I never buy anything labled "New & Improved!!".  In English, that means "We Found a Cheaper Way to Make This!  So Fuck You!"

12.  I screwed up my BoltBus ticket, and BoltBus gave me my money back, no questions asked, ten minutes after I contacted them.  Two points for that, for them.  "Non refundable" doesn't always mean no refunds.

If I had to eat the $9 I wouldn't have cried or anything, but still.

13.  I have a mason jar full of buttons.  It's gorgeous.

14.  I went to a bbq the other day and there was a baby bottle full of Hawiian Hawaiin  Hawiain  HowWhyAn Hawaiian Punch and a jelly jar with some whiskey in there on the picnic table.  I totally judged my company by those beverages.

I spotted a bottle of Tully in the kitchen, and asked the host did he mind if I poured myself a bit of that because I'm not so much a beer drinker, and he said sure, the glasses are above the sink.

And.
Yep.
All the glasses were Smuckers and Welsh and Miracle Whip jars.

"These ones, Mr K?"
"Those ones.  We're Irish", he explained.

Got it.

15.  I used to use empty Glade candle jars as rocks glasses.

I thought they were classy because of that swirl pattern up the glass.

College.

College smelled like Mountain Berry.

16.  One of my favorite games to play by myself is throwing pennies in an empty egg carton.  I like to see how many pennies it takes to get at least one penny in each of the 12 cups.  It can be challenging, particularly if you stand or sit back a bit.  I taught it to Jake, and it's keeping him busy lately.

It's a few steps above tossing cards into a hat.

17.  Jake still hasn't earned his big bed (by spending 30 nights in his room without getting into my bed in the middle of the night) and I couldn't be happier.  I'm one of those people who is happiest sleeping next to their child. 

That's so annoying of me.

18.  Jake knows where babies come from now, and he apologizes to me every day.  I tell him that there is no need for sorries. 
He told a little girl at his daycare that he's never getting married because he "doesn't want to put his wife through that sort of pain".  The daycarelady said "what pain?".  Jake said "I'm not allowed to talk about it, but it's so terrible.  So so terrible."

I told him if he had any questions he could talk about it with Dave or I, but it wasn't his job to tell other kids where babies come out of their mom's or how they get in there.

I didn't tell him, btw.  Dave did.  But he was more than ready to know, and I think it's silly to lie to him about it.

But I'm totally okay with lying about Santa.

19.  I love packing for trips and moves.  I'm an expert packer.  I used to do a fair amount of backpacking when I was a teenager, and you learn quick not to bring what you won't use.
The big secret- of course- is to roll, as opposed to folding, your clothes. 
A big mistake is to bring full bottles of toiletries.  Even if they are full small bottles, chances are you don't need three full ounces of shampoo for a weekend away.  Unless it's that kind of party.  What do I know?  Nothing.
You'd be surprised at how much lighter your stuff will be if you only bring an ounce or so of each of your liquids.  The FAA will love you more too.
Cut a little slice off your bar soap instead of taking a full bar. 
Save those little Blistex tins to fill with lotions and stuff.
That sort of thing.

When Dave and I went to Rome for six weeks we only brought a suitcase and a duffle.  Total, for the two of us.  And we were the ones who had all the necessities like bandages and aspirin plus an outfit for any occasion. 

One girl brought two econo-sized bottles of shampoo but didn't bring tampons.  That's like a year's worth of shampoo.  And zero minutes worth of feminine products.  Sucks to be her. 

20.  I wonder if there's a legal upper limit on the vibrations per minute of- um- marital aids.

21.  Marital aids are very different than marital AIDS.
Marital is different than martial.
Martial is different than martian.
Martian is differnt than martini.
Martini is different than maritime

My brain is tying them together nicely, however.
And making up a short story about Marital martial martians enjoying maritime maritinis.
If I got married again tomorrow I'd have a ninja alien booze cruise for the reception.  Dildos at every place setting.

22.  Crayola is the only acceptable crayon.  Rose Art isn't even okay to give to a homeless kid. 

23.  That OxyClean stain stick gel blue thing?  So good.

24.  It's a perfect day outside and I'm not out there in it.  Just about time to change that.

25.  If you were going to get boudoir pictures of yourself, would you rather a stranger or a friend do it?  I'd rather a friend. 
I know I could trust her to tell me what I really looked like, she would edit out all the icky spots, and she would keep the negatives safe.

My friend Nicole takes sexy pics, this is my favorite bunch of her stuff.  She also takes non-sexy photos, and does tutorials from time to time on another blog.

When we were down in Baltimore, she took a picture of her and my picked crabshells covered in flies.  I'm dying to buy a copy of the print to hang in my kitchen.  (That's a hint to get it finished up.) 

Thanks to Kelly for the lovely award and to Nicole for tagging me on the list!

Now everyone get out of the house!