You know that Relational Health class I'm taking at work?  The one I talked about last week?  With the Stevie Nicks spectral effects?  Right, that one.

Yesterday's class was pretty damned deep.  I thought I'd share the stuff that left us all speechless.

First, there is this idea put out by Dr. John Gottman that basically says that we all have this driving need to be liked and included and have some sort of sense of control over our lives.
That's not so bad, right?  Not too far out or squishy warm warm whodoo voodoo for anyone?  Sometimes we learn stuff that makes perfect sense to us liberal do-gooders, but isn't well received by everyone.  But I think that Dr. G has a point there to which everyone can nod their head.

So we build ourselves little clubs.  Little rings and clans of people who we like and we want to like us.  We try to control our lives by who we let in it.  Does that make sense?

There was a graphic that the facilitator drew up on the board.  A bulls eye.
The center = Inner Circle (extremely high levels of trust, safety, intimacy)
The next ring = Close Relationships (high levels of trust and engagement and fairly regular contact)
Third = Task/Social/Work/Play (focus on socializing, playing, engaging in work, doing a task or activity)
Outermost = Temporary/Very Superficial (pleasant, but not deeply meaningful)

Before we even got to discussing that, I was quickly trying to put everyone in my life into a ring.  Trying to decide who is and who should be in that center circle and who falls just outside of it in the next ring.  Who hovers between the second and third, and who is on the outside of that third circle and why aren't they closer to the second or fourth.  It was deep.  I could see everyone else's eyes working, their fingers playing with their pens and rolling up the corners of their workbook.  They were doing the same thing.

There were a few points that I wrote down that I'm not going to share, and a few that I'm going to take right out of our workbook*
 "We have members in our clubs and we are members in others' clubs.  Just because we have invited someone into one of our circles, we are not automatically in the same circle in his or her Circles of Life (enter Simba).  When someone else shares his or her vulnerability, pain, or some other very deep and personal experince, we are infomally being invited to join his or her Inner Circle.  That person may or may not be a member in our Inner Circle.

 "Sometimes people do not know how to create and maintain some of their circles, how to conduct themselves, what to expect, how to communicate and respond in ways that are relationally healthy.

 "Sometimes some people assume thy have the right to be in one of our clubs, usually the Inner Circle or the Close Relationships club and we really are keeping them more at a distance, monitoring if and when we share ourselves, setting limits and maintaining boundaries.  Sometimes family members, just because they are family members, assume they are and should be in one of the more intimate clubs and for reasons of self-protection we have not extended that invitation or have withdrawn a previous invitation.

 "It can be important for people to be aware that they can and should establish self-protective boundaries and limits and at the same time have more intimate circles that provide opportunities for deep and meaningful connections.  If someone is not able to establish or maintain intimate circles, he or she might need some coaching as to how to do this or if someone is inviting too many people or less healthy people into more intimate circles, he or she might need assistance becoming more aware and having the assertive abilities to set necessary limits."

Now, I don't know how this strikes you, or if you need 24 hours to soak it in the way I did, but it was really deep.

In my field of work, people share a lot more with you than you do with them.  People put their social workers and advocates and teachers and therapists into their Inner Circle, sometimes immediately, sometimes over time.  And the social workers, advocates, et al. close their Inner Circle to those people, usually immediately.  We step in their IC's but close ours to them.  We keep our clients and students and patients and cases in our third tier.  Anything closer is asking for disaster.

I like this work because I like keeping people in my third tier.  My third tier is HUGE.  If you've ever been to the house at Christmastime, you know how large my third tier is.  My third tier is standing room only.  I love third tier.  Love, love, love having people in my life for work and for play and for dinners and drinks and for this and for that.  Love, love, love.  Clients and such don't come to my house at Christmastime, of course.  They sort of lean against the fence of the third tier.  But everyone else is having a good old time in there.  My third tier is stone cold rocking.

My second tier is busting too, but we can all sit down.  It's warmer and fluffier and we all go barefoot and wear things that don't cut into our bellies when we sit down.  I'm more comfortable, but less in my element.  If you've ever been to my house on Wednesday, you know all about my second tier.  The love bursts forth and there is a lot of nourishment and rainbows happening in the second tier.  There isn't so much glitter and confetti as there is flower petals and breezes that make candlewicks dance.  It's like a damned Summers Eve commercial, and we all feel fresh, sans vinegar.

My Inner Circle?  Is a pinprick. 

***

Some people would only include their God in there.  Some people their spouse, their mother, their best friend, their sibling.  Some people have two members, some three, some ten.
Some people let people closer to their inner circle just because they play sports together or are both identified as the same whatever it is they are identified as or go to the same church or ____ the same ____ .  Some people don't.  Everyone has their different reasons for letting people in.

I'm not even sure what is in my Inner Circle, but I do know who is in there.  It's closed up pretty tight, and I don't go there myself too often.  I manage the club from a remote location, and I don't read staff reports very often.  That should probably change.  In the (Johari) Window of my Inner Circle, there is a lot of "blind spots" and a lot of "unknowns".  I'm hoping to move some of those over to the "arena" and sliding some into the "facade".
I know why I'm like that.  It's because I've let people into my Inner Circle before and they totally fucked up the place and broke the lamps and slashed the cushions and left without paying the bill.  Shame on me for not doing a full credit check and keeping their passports and Mastercard numbers in a lockbox at the front desk.
I was young.  Now I'm not.  The things that were busted up would be at the Goodwill by now anyway.  Plaid couches and electric lady lamps and velvet Elvises? Elvisi? Elves? have no place here these days.  Box up what's salvageable and trash the rest and move on.  Create a little leg room for the ICers, maybe a yoga studio where we can all bend and stretch.  Knock out a skylight and let the sunshine through.

That shouldn't be too hard, right?
Right?
Why am I hearing crickets?

Hippy dippy metaphoric metamorphic yadda blahsy huggsy jasmine cubby womb slip psycho mythical yammer blabber jammer.

Had enough yet?

I'll leave you with the instructions for our group activity think tank stuff.
With consideration to each of the concentric circles, describe
*what some of the requirements for membership are
*who you have invited to join this circle and why
*what some of the rules, guidelines, or expectations are for this membership
*what behaviors are acceptable and may be unique to this circle
*what might be some reasons to drop someone from membership or to exclude someone
*consider traits that constitute high levels of health in relationships.  toxic traits of unhealthy relationships

I hope this stuff is as useful to you as it was to me.  I hope I didn't abbreviate the materials so much that it is meaningless, and I hope I didn't add so much that it is boring.

*if you live or work in the Philadelphia area and you are interested in taking classes like this, check out the Institute for Family Professionals and the Lakeside Educational Network