dogshow

I don't know if it is through parenthood or through nature, but I tend to get all Mama Bear up in some places sometimes.  I try to keep it to a low growl.  Claws in.  I try to put some time between the event and my reaction because I know I have a mouth on me.

I know this because I've been hearing it my whole life.  Almost 35 years of "that one sure does have a mouth on her, doesn't she?" flying at and around me.  I get it.

Growing up with Mostly Boys, I needed a mouth on me.  It's a defense mechanism. Or something.

There's this thing I tell Jake.  This thing about the difference between Tattling and Telling.
You tattle to get someone in trouble.
You tell to get someone out of trouble.

I feel like I've been telling a lot lately.
It's hard to tell.  Hard on the psyche.  The moral compass spins quick.  Especially when telling can cost someone their pride.  Their job.  Their license.
It's hard even when you are a professional Teller and you've had lots of practice.
There can be a lot of telling at my job, and while that has been (thankfully) down these past few months, it seems that telling in my life is up.

There was the thing with the doctor, in March.  That's over.  We're sticking with the practice and barring emergency, we'll only see our regular physician.

Then there was this thing that happened at a playground near the house a few months ago.  I witnessed a mother verbally abusing her children (calling them bitches and fucking morons, etc.) and overheard her speaking about some of the issues that she was having with her oldest daughter and how she dealt with these issues.  She said she has been "beating the shit out of her a few times a day" and nothing is getting better and she doesn't know what else to do.  She went on to say about how her daughter went from top honors in the first half of the year to getting a conduct disorder report and being barred from the class trip at the end of the year.  She said she doesn't have time for this because she's trying to get her new boyfriend to propose.  She said she had a meeting with the principal and was going to bring a knife, just in case the principal gave her a problem.

Red flags.  All of it.

This is usually just the sort of stuff that gets to me.  You hear someone speak like that, you see them abusing their kid, and you can't do a lick about it because you have no idea who they are.  "Walmart moms", I like to call them.  You see a lot of stuff you can't do jack about at Walmart. 

But the little girl was wearing her school uniform and her mother called her by her real name a bunch of times so I called the school and spoke with the guidance counselor.  The guidance counselor, despite having been a guidance counselor for decades, shared that she had never reported an incident of child abuse.  Scary.  She demanded my credentials (which I understand) and told me they suspected some issues with this family.  Blah, blah, blah... Long story short she didn't have the tits to call this in so she wanted to give me the family information and make the call.  NO WAY.  I should NOT have this family's information. So we role-played calling children's services a few times and then she said she would make the call.  She never followed up with me but I'm glad I contacted her.
I'm also glad that we got a rejection letter from this school during the nightmarish Kindergarten Application Process.  While I should think that no reports of neglect or abuse from a Guidance Counselor is the mark of a great pool of families who have children attending this school, my experience/cynicism says something else.

***

Most recently I observed a staff person repeatedly (like, every day repeatedly) speaking to some children in a way children ought not to be spoken to at Jake's pre-K/daycare/summer camp place.  While I'm sure she spoke this way out of frustration and stress and fatigue, I don't think it's okay.  The staff:kids ratio was way off, and there were little ones of all ages (1-5) all jammed in one room together.  The kids go there if they are dropped off earlier than the curriculum programs start.  That makes for a mess, no matter who you are.  Cranky parents who are rushing around and dumping off cranky kids early in the morning is no fun for anyone.  People who aren't good at mornings like to ruin other people's mornings.  Even if it's their children and the people who take care of their children.  Morning mayhem is contagious.  I understand that.  I fight that inner fight every morning. 

This woman is a care giver with the little ones all day.  Ones who are one.  Years old.  One-year-olds can't generally communicate if they are being spoken harshly to, but they will suffer from it.  Their tiny brains get washed with stress hormones all day and their tiny cortexes can't grow and wrinkle and fold very well if they are under stress.  Cortisol inhibits upper-brain development.  Then we get a bunch of kids growing up in their lower-brain and that's tantamount to raising a pack of wild dogs.  I don't want to see these kids grow up to be big dogs.  No one wants that.  (fact: yelling at your kids all day will turn them into dogs.  science!!)

I went to the higher ups at the place.  Told them I was coming there as a parent, but if I was there on a professional site visit- they know what I do, I used to work with this center a few years ago- I would have to report what I saw.  I told them I wasn't going to report what I saw, but if I walked in on a caregiver treating my child that way I would raise hell. 
I explained that many parents speak to their children the way the woman spoke to these children.  Some of these kids need a break from the chaos, they need the time spent away from home.  And if another parent saw her speaking that way, and they speak that way, they probably wouldn't raise it as an issue because it would be "normal" to them. 
I explained that my child, though never spoken to by this woman- not even in a positive light- was upset by her tone and her way of speaking.  I don't like it when my kid is upset or uncomfortable at school.  I will do everything in my power to be sure that my kid isn't upset or uncomfortable at school.
I explained that I understand that funding is low and pressure is high and resources are down and demands are up, but something had to be done.
And while no one in the "back office" will look me in the face anymore, things are better.  There are more staff people handling the early drop-offs.  There is music and singing and dancing and crafts in the morning room.  It seems that they gave the one lady a few days off, or at least let her come in late.

Sigh.

I don't want to be That Mom.  Or That Lady.  That Person. I really don't.  But sometimes it's hard not to speak up, especially when it is children who are at the heart of things.

Speaking of dogs, I really wish that someone would put pictures of burned and battered children in a commercial with a back drop of Sarah McLaughlin like the SPCA does with animals.  Maybe then people would see what is really going on and then we'd rally around the issue and children would have equal rights and respectability as kitties and puppies. 
What's that saying?  If  you hit an adult it's assault.  If you hit an animal it's abuse.  If you hit a child it's for their own good?  Yeah.  That one.
It's easy to feel bad for abused animals because they are so cute and cuddly and easy to turn away from abused children because they are often dirty little spaz bastards who no one can stand.  But it isn't their fault.  You'd be an asshole too if you were treated like shit at home.