Jake lost that bottom front tooth yesterday. At school. Which was to be expected since he has made just about every single "first" while with a caregiver rather than a parent. I was glad to have Charmaine, who was kind enough to keep quiet about the sitting up and step taking until he did it at home. And it actually wasn't her that told me he was practically running around her house before he took a few unassisted steps at home, it was her son's girlfriend who would help out on her days off.
But it does make sense, that kids would do things away from home before they do them at home. Mommies tend to baby their babies. Why walk when you can be held? Feed yourself when you can be fed? Lose a tooth when you can gross out your mother by flipping it in and out at rapid speed?
There is a book about the tooth fairy at Jacob's afterschool program that they read often. The book shows how she flies around, sneaks into bedrooms, collects teeth, takes a picture of the sleeping child for her scrapbook, leaves a coin, and flies home to her bed make of human teeth.
Um. Yeah. Sneaking into bedrooms, snapping souvenir photos, sleeping among body parts...
I was trying to avoid the tooth fairy. I offered to buy the tooth outright for $5 and put it in my jewelry box. $5 is steep. Way more than the tooth fairy would leave. But I felt it a viable alternative to hiding teeth from my child. If the tooth fairy is a major player, I have to put the too(ee)th somewhere secret. If I'm buying exposed bones on the blackmarket (read: in the hallway outside the bedrooms) I can just toss them in with my rings and call it a done deal.
Jacob didn't really believe in the tooth fairy, so he decided to put her up to a test. He put his tooth under his pillow. So I exchanged it for $2. Higher than I think is fair. Lower than the surveyed plummeting national average.
2am brought Jake into my bed. "She didn't come".
"Let's check it out"
Then the unthinkable happened. Ungratefulness like never before seen in our home. A temper tantrum that defied the odds. The two dollars thrown to the ground. The tears! The whining! The drama!
"Seriously dude? What did you expect?"
"The kids at school get toys like Power Rangers and video games. They go out for dinner and they get $10 bills."
"That's crazy. It's a tooth. Losing a tooth is a milestone, not an accomplishment. You're supposed to lose your teeth. It's nothing you earn, it's something you do. Go to bed. You aren't getting the $2. We are giving it to children who need dental care. Who don't have healthy teeth and access to good dentists. You are acting completely ungrateful and disgraceful. The bad word for the way you are acting is 'spoiled brat'. Good night."
And then I went to bed and hell continued to break loose from his room and no one slept.
And the worst of it? The ultimate worst of everything? My cat. MY cat. Mine in like, she only likes me and sleeps with me every night and hates Jacob and sleeps with him never? Slept in his room. On his bed. As if they were friends. As if he deserved camaraderie last night. Holy crap, you have no idea how this burned me up.
Then around 4am I heard her puking and I felt a little bit better about things. As if she was only in there because she knew she was going to yak all over the place and wanted to be there to do it.
This is how I know I'm going to hell.
Hell, and the laundry to get the puke out of his blanket and pillow sham before he goes to bed tonight.
My locally-trained/remotely-practicing dentist friend and my Appalachian-trained/hometown-bound hygienist cousin recommended Dentists without Borders for the donation. We'll be sending more than the $2, but I'll cut a check and Jake will have to put those two singles in the envelope. I'm sure they have some sort of policy about sending cash, but I'm disregarding the rule out of principle.
Also, I worked really hard on and was really proud of what I was originally going to put under the pillow. Even though I had decided $5 was way too much, the Georges on the ones were too tiny to fit the eyes:
Dave told me I should absolutely not put that under Jacob's pillow because he's too much of a sensitive child and it would probably scare the piss out of him.
I don't know. I think it's funny. How shocking would it be to find that under your head in the middle of the night?
You have no idea how much I now wish I would have put that bad boy under my 'sensitive child's' head.