two for teeth

Jake lost that bottom front tooth yesterday.  At school.  Which was to be expected since he has made just about every single "first" while with a caregiver rather than a parent.  I was glad to have Charmaine, who was kind enough to keep quiet about the sitting up and step taking until he did it at home.  And it actually wasn't her that told me he was practically running around her house before he took a few unassisted steps at home, it was her son's girlfriend who would help out on her days off.
But it does make sense, that kids would do things away from home before they do them at home.  Mommies tend to baby their babies.  Why walk when you can be held?  Feed yourself when you can be fed?  Lose a tooth when you can gross out your mother by flipping it in and out at rapid speed?

There is a book about the tooth fairy at Jacob's afterschool program that they read often.  The book shows how she flies around, sneaks into bedrooms, collects teeth, takes a picture of the sleeping child for her scrapbook, leaves a coin, and flies home to her bed make of human teeth.
Um.  Yeah.  Sneaking into bedrooms, snapping souvenir photos, sleeping among body parts...

I was trying to avoid the tooth fairy.  I offered to buy the tooth outright for $5 and put it in my jewelry box.  $5 is steep.  Way more than the tooth fairy would leave.  But I felt it a viable alternative to hiding teeth from my child.  If the tooth fairy is a major player, I have to put the too(ee)th somewhere secret.  If I'm buying exposed bones on the blackmarket (read: in the hallway outside the bedrooms) I can just toss them in with my rings and call it a done deal.

Jacob didn't really believe in the tooth fairy, so he decided to put her up to a test.  He put his tooth under his pillow.  So I exchanged it for $2.  Higher than I think is fair.  Lower than the surveyed plummeting national average.

2am brought Jake into my bed.  "She didn't come".
"Let's check it out"

Then the unthinkable happened.  Ungratefulness like never before seen in our home.  A temper tantrum that defied the odds.  The two dollars thrown to the ground.  The tears!  The whining!  The drama!

"Seriously dude?  What did you expect?"
"The kids at school get toys like Power Rangers and video games.  They go out for dinner and they get $10 bills."
"That's crazy.  It's a tooth.  Losing a tooth is a milestone, not an accomplishment.  You're supposed to lose your teeth.  It's nothing you earn, it's something you do.  Go to bed.  You aren't getting the $2.  We are giving it to children who need dental care.  Who don't have healthy teeth and access to good dentists.  You are acting completely ungrateful and disgraceful.  The bad word for the way you are acting is 'spoiled brat'.  Good night."

And then I went to bed and hell continued to break loose from his room and no one slept.

And the worst of it?  The ultimate worst of everything?  My cat.  MY cat.  Mine in like, she only likes me and sleeps with me every night and hates Jacob and sleeps with him never?  Slept in his room.  On his bed.  As if they were friends.  As if he deserved camaraderie last night.  Holy crap, you have no idea how this burned me up.

Then around 4am I heard her puking and I felt a little bit better about things.  As if she was only in there because she knew she was going to yak all over the place and wanted to be there to do it. 

This is how I know I'm going to hell.

Hell, and the laundry to get the puke out of his blanket and pillow sham before he goes to bed tonight.

My locally-trained/remotely-practicing dentist friend and my Appalachian-trained/hometown-bound hygienist cousin recommended Dentists without Borders for the donation.  We'll be sending more than the $2, but I'll cut a check and Jake will have to put those two singles in the envelope.  I'm sure they have some sort of policy about sending cash, but I'm disregarding the rule out of principle.

Also, I worked really hard on and was really proud of what I was originally going to put under the pillow.  Even though I had decided $5 was way too much, the Georges on the ones were too tiny to fit the eyes:

Dave told me I should absolutely not put that under Jacob's pillow because he's too much of a sensitive child and it would probably scare the piss out of him.

I don't know.  I think it's funny.  How shocking would it be to find that under your head in the middle of the night?

You have no idea how much I now wish I would have put that bad boy under my 'sensitive child's' head.


pureklass said...

Lincoln just made me Laugh Out Loud here at work.

Clearly, you're a genius.

Holli said...

I am CRACKING up! Oh my god this was hilarious!!!

Amanda said...

I would've left the Lincoln. Screw the sensitive child. With all the crap kids put us through, we parents have to take our revenge where we can get it. Either that or that's the 2 weeks of being woken up every night either every 20 min or every hour. I haven't slept while my 4yo perfects his torture tactics. My brain is clearly in survival/how can I get the little craphead back mode.

susan said...

LOVE this!!! I wish I could say that I would have put it under the pillow, but I think I'd have faltered when I thought about the resulting screams that would undoubtedly lead to no sleep due to the screaming and crying that night and no sleep due to the unavoidable guilt once the screaming and crying stopped and then the drama, oh! the drama once he sniffed out the guilt and pushed me over the edge into "did I scar my pwecious babee" land. Manipulative little jerk.

Pamela said...

I think Lincoln actually had googly eyes. Dude might have been awesome, but he is unattractive as the eff word.

Also? My daughter duped my husband into a tenner, and they both are still paying for that one.

Because I'm not down with that bullshit.

Pamela said...

(if you couldn't tell, i'm in a MOOD today.)

Susan said...

I bow to your googly eye skills.
And the parents who give their children video games and Power Rangers needs the smack down.

Jill said...

I love the googly eyes! So creative!

Geez Louise, who knew tooth-losing could be so complicated?

The tooth fairy didn't scare me, but my folks creeped me out by telling me to tie a string around my tooth and a door handle and TO shut the door to make it come out.


Mrs. Irritation said...

As if I didn't love you already. I absolutely get the ass chap from having YOUR cat sleep with your kid and the subsequent satisfaction of cat hurl.

$10 a tooth? No fucking way.

Lynn said...

You are SUCH a good parent! It was so much easier to just put a quarter under the pillow than to teach a whole lesson on giving to those less fortunate. (Which incidentally I only recall teaching at Christmas time. No wonder my children are heathens.

MemeGRL said...

Might be too late for this, but we told our kids we signed the "not always on the first night" contract with the tooth fairy and the "you get a toy the first tooth and then it is cash only and often the kind that jingles from there." And both kids were (are) totally fine with that and don't freak if the tooth fairy is busy on night one, and have never expected anything beyond $1 since.

Congrats though & Lincoln rules. In a whole new way.

incognitomom said...

There should be a tooth fairy manual handed out to every parent so we all give the same thing. I can't tell you how confusing it is to figure out the going rate and then deal with the consequences of being either the parent who gave less or the one who the other parents want to kill because their little precious pointed out to them that your kid got more than they did.

My parents were the generous kind. I got Olympic Gymnast Barbie under my pillow for the first tooth. So being the greedy kid I was I worked on the rest of the front teeth until I made them loose enough to come out. I went a full year without my top front teeth as a result.

My kid hasn't lost any teeth yet and according to the dentist it may be awhile. But I'm laying strict tooth fairy ground rules. The first tooth will be a big deal but the rest will be worth only a pittance. If I don't set these ground rules I will have the ungrateful, tantrum throwing drama here at my casa too and dammit we already have enough drama.

And the whole cat thing ... I'm laughing my butt off. Serves the fur ball and the kid right.

Jori said...

Too funny. You. The Cat. The Kid. Love to you all.

Jori said...

You. The Cat. The Kid. Toooooo funny. Love to you and the fam.

Jen said...

Man, this is what I have to look forward to?

I was reading this thinking, 'that's Turner in a couple of years'. (sigh)

I think $2 is a sweet deal for a tooth . . . and the Lincoln, HILARIOUS.

Brenda said...

Lora, you remind me of myself when I had little ones. I remember once Andrew won an environmental contest and got $25.00 for his poster, and I made him donate $10 to an environmental cause. He was not happy. OH well!

I always disliked the tooth fairy and Santa. I worked my way around Santa, but not the tooth fairy. Not sure how I dealt with it. It seems so long ago.

Amber Star said...

The eyes of Lincoln are truly eerie and funny as all get out. hahaha

Jen said...

Ahaha! You should have left the Lincoln.

What kind of parent gives toys and $10 bills? That is just craziness.

belowtheeight said...

Oh my damn, that is some awesome parenting right there. Yeah, my mom didn't play that tooth fairy shit and I never actually felt deprived. He'll live.

Now I'll be over here creeped out by these new tooth fairy details: she takes pictures?! And sleeps in a bed made of teeth? THE FUCK?

f8hasit said...

The only words that come to me after reading this is
"I love you"

THAT is plain out fabulous.

AND I might do that out of spite to the government to ALL cash that flows through my wallet. Just think of the fun!

Note: please don't turn me in when the FBI comes to your door looking for the person defiling govern,ent property. I'll just have to bring you down with me...

Lucy said...

I am little behind on reading, life is beyond crazy! Do not renovate EVER!

Anyway, stick to your guns!! You will be unbelievably happy in the long run. In the short term you will have some rough roads ahead of you but trust me we are so glad we didn't cave or listen to the adults around us saying, 'you are too hard on them and/or c'mon, you know you can afford it.' That wasn't the point. We now are told how well-grounded our adult children are and caring and loving. Stick to your values and do it your way!!!!!

Lizzi said...

I'm bringing back quarters.

Andrea (ace1028) said...

bwahahaha! Yes! you totally should have. That's hilarious. And perfect. And I just adore you. I'd say love, but I don't want to freak you out.