When I was younger, I went to dancing school.
I'm not sure how long I went, but it's one of those memories that takes over other memories so it feels like I was there all the time. Just tap and ballet and jazz. Maybe a modern dance class. I don't remember which I liked best. Or least. They all sort of run together.
I remember being told that my boobs were too big and my feet were too small.
Over and over and over again.
Another instructor told me she doesn't know how I support myself. How I didn't fall over every time I tried to stand up.
Another told me that my hair was too thin for a proper bun.
She said I was too tall and probably wouldn't have a chance to ever Dance the Ballet with a boy because he wouldn't be able to support me.
Dancing class is supposed to be good for your self-esteem and self-discipline and stuff. I'm not so sure it helped me in those ways.
I still have hair/feet/chest/stature issues.
Some related to what I heard at dancing, some completely unrelated.
None of which I can really control by changing my habits.
That's a shitty feeling.
When you get to a certain level in dancing school, you have to do a tiny solo. On stage. In front of everyone.
There are other people on stage with you, behind you, but you have to do a little bit of something all by yourself.
"Your First Big Moment" is what the instructor called it. Our first time Up and Center in front of God and Everybody doing something that no one else is doing.
It was scary. The teacher was scary.
She's dead now.
But I still dream about her when I'm feeling Not Good Enough for Something I'm Trying to Do.
Right before the show that night, she pulled us all aside. She said to us that we can't screw something up if we are the only one doing it. We can't fall out of step because the only steps to be had are our own. We can only fall out of time but she has faith that we have enough training and experience to keep that from happening.
She said to let that be a lesson in life. As long as we aren't trying to be like everyone else, as long as we weren't working hard to fit in, as long as we are being true to ourselves, it is impossible to fall out of step.
Just watch your timing.