Just jump on the hump of the Wump of Gump.

If you've ever been to a strip club, you know the drill.  You sit down with your drink and a girl comes up to you and pretends she really likes you and you either go in the back with her or you don't.

If you don't, she moves on to pretending she really likes the next person at the bar and the next girl moves on to you.

I really like strip clubs.  I don't go often, but when I do I am happy.
Looking at Other Women Naked is liberating.  It let's us (me) know that we all have pretty much the same lumps and bumps and humps and dumps and clumps as one another.
Sometimes my lumps and bumps and humps and dumps and clumps?  They trump the lumps and bumps and humps and dumps and clumps of the Women Naked.  And that feels really good.

No one is totally free of flaws.
You might not know that if you spend your time Looking in the Magazines.  Or around people who are Fully Dressed at Work.

Plus you get to see different ways of moving your body to get your butt to wiggle and stuff.

So in Vegas, strip clubs work the same as they do in Yourtown.
You sit down with your drink and a girl comes up to you and pretends she really likes you and you either go in the back with her or you don't.
If you don't, she moves on to pretending she really likes the next person at the bar and the next girl moves on to you.

In Vegas we went to a strip club.  Not the Spearmint Rhino.  I've been there before.  It was okay.
We went to Glitter Gulch.

Eww, right?  Gulch.
Ain't enough glitter in the world to cover up something one would call a gulch.

Say it.
Let the 'G' get stuck on the back of your tongue and really feel that 'ul' warm up your mouth and then come down really hard on the 'ch' sound while you think about vaginas.

It has two and a half stars on Yelp.

And we went.

The first girl came up to us and asked us with a really thick Russian accent if we were together, if we had children together.  I barely got out the "a five year old" (and now I'm talking about my kid.  In a titbar) before I heard all about her three year old and how hard it is to take care of him and be so far away from her family on the other side of the world and I look like a teacher, am I a teacher? and how much she misses her mother and what do you do sir? and she's all alone and then the tears started and she just kept going on and on and on but every time she took a breath she asked "are you ready for a dance yet?" and it was really sad and we were never ready for a dance.

There's a song by a band that's from here in Philadelphia but I think they are famous all over called "A lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying".  I'll leave you to google that one for yourself.  I don't think I want that in my search history.  The band is called Bloodhound Gang.

I didn't find out if it is better.
I'm not one for lap dances much anyway.  I like the pole dancing.

The next girl took it upon herself to tell us that she doesn't know what we think about her, but she wants us to know that she plants herself at church all day every Sunday and she is alright with God and one time she saw this episode of Judge Judy where this man was trying to get his kids taken away from his ex who is a stripper and Judge Judy kicked him out of court because that mom is making money to feed and clothe and shelter her kids and that's more than the dad can say about himself these last five years so if that's what Judge Judy said than it must be right.  Amen to Judge Judy.  That girl lives her life by God and Judge Judy and everyone else can go to hell if they don't like it.

Um, we don't have a problem with what you do.  We're paying customers here.  We're here by choice.
We like what you do.

However, we don't like HOW you are doing it so we will politely suck down our watery over-priced drinks and take our business elsewhere.


Lana D said...

Love it. Love strip clubs too. Glad I'm not the only one!


Jen said...

What a sucky strip club experience! Now I understand the poor rating. Better luck next time?

And you're right. Putting 'Gulch' in the name of a female strip club is like putting 'Gobbler' in the name of a male strip club. Nobody wants to see a gulch or a gobbler. We want to see things like, boobies, booty's, and a sweet peen piece stuffed in a foam-filled thong.

RuthWells said...

Okay, that's it. I've never been to a strip club but I think I'd like to go to one with you.

TMC said...


Yeah, you're right. That's not sexy.

Superjules said...

Dammit. I wish I had come up with "I LIVE MY LIFE BY GOD AND JUDGE JUDY."

Lucy said...

Geez, that doesn't sound like much fun at all, I didn't think strippers would be so unprofessional and spill their souls LOL.

Oh, but I am intrigued and thinking I need to check out a strip club, I have done many things in my life and that one isn't on the list, I must get it on my list!!!!

SueAnn said...

The title of your post had me wondering where you were going with it...then I saw...strip clubs!!
I have never been but you created quite the scene for me!
I think I will continue on with my record of not going! Ha!
But I sure loved this post!

Hillbilly Duhn said...

I have always wanted to go to a strip club, but have never been. I too, think it's liberating to look at another naked woman, woman are beautiful.

Just Jane said...

There was a strip club here in Denver a few years' back - The Oasis - just off I76 and Pecos which is a pretty run down/industrial area of town. Some friends and I used to go up there every Wednesday night for their $10 NY Strip (hee hee) special. The dancers were one of two types A) just starting out in the business equipped with only a pair of clear, plastic platform heels and a vague sense of rhythm or B) dancers who'd seen better days. Most were likely not ever going to be invited to dance at Shotgun Willy's or, the pinnacle of stripper success in Denver, the Diamond Cabaret. But every single one of them had a story. And I loved going and watching them, seeing glowering boyfriends sitting off in a corner and nursing a bottle of beer, every once in awhile tipping a 5-spot for a particularly good effort, and making up the stories in my head that went along with each girl.

Susan said...

You are the Lucy Van Pelt of strip clubs.

Red said...

I've been to strip clubs twice.
Once while in Japan and once in Sydney.
I dunno if it was different cultures or what, but the Japanese one made me a little sad for the girls, which meant not so enjoyable.
The girls in Sydney were all trying to be way too friendly - when noticing I was with my husband, asked ALL sorts of questions, which just made me uncomfortable.
It was fun til then though. :(

Andrea said...

I haven't been--always seemed a little sad from the outside. I can't get past the idea of selling sex/sexuality and what I think it must do to the women. If you want liberating try a nude beach...and there's a lot to compare there, too!!

Holli said...

I've never had a problem with strip clubs and I've been to a few in my day too.... nuthin' like a stripper who wants to tell you her life story while she shakes her tits in your face though. Gotta love that.

I went to an after hours party once at a bar where the guys had a stripper come and this girl talked totally normal to my friend and I about girl gossipy type stuff while she stood over this guy lying on the ground and rubbed her vagina on his face.

It was one of those surreal moments where you stop and think "WTF is going on here" but at the time it seems totally normal and like it happens to everyone on their Sat nights? Yeah. One of those times.