It's funny, because there has never been a time in my life where I was glad to be a girl. I never particularly liked little girls. More often they sort of repulsed me. They tend to make me physically/emotionally/mentally icky. The way a lot of girls look and act and feel. The sappy clothes that somehow can morph into questionable moral choices by the time a girl is eight. And those silly headbands people would strap on to their bald baby girls in an effort to tell the world that the child is, in fact, a girlchild and not a boy dressed in pink. The idea of cleaning out girl parts when changing a bad diaper. Tiny Barbie shoes all over the place that only get picked up when the real things like puberty and self-image and one thousand other things that seem so complicated become present.
I realized long ago that most of what I find repulsive in girls of all ages are things I find repulsive in myself. It's an Issue, with a capital I. I am fully aware of this fact.
Thin or messy hair.
Quiet voices.
Mousiness.
Large breasts, especially at a young age.
Uncomfortableness.
Brazenness.
Shame.
Pride.
Etc.
And so on.
At that moment I realized I would never have a little girl of my own, something shifted. All the names we had picked out for Jacob before we knew he was a boy and the ones we had this time- they would never turn into real live people. Goodbye to Cecilia Rose and Sophia Rose and Ava Rose. I'll never have to struggle with your hair and the many accessories that come with it. I'll never have to play dolls or horses or stickers or nail paint salon day with you. Never have to buy your first bra, hopefully not at age 8 like mine was bought. Never have to decide when is the right time for leg shaving and make up wearing. Never have to explain tampons. I'd be sure to let you know that the applicator isn't part of what you wear. I wore applicators for the first year or so I wore tampons. No one told me to take them off and out. It hurt, but I thought it was just part of becoming a woman. I'll never stay up and wait for you to come home from your first date or watch you leave for prom with a sick and elated feeling in my guts. Watch you walk down an aisle. Have a baby of your own. Watch your heart break. Watch you put pieces back together.
Not that any of that is guaranteed.
Not that I particularly looked forward to or enjoyed most of the Female Rites of Passage myself. Most of them I felt pressured to do. Pressure that it was the "right" thing or the "normal" thing to do. The "nice" or the "polite" thing. The thing that "ladies" do.
It's funny how I was perfectly 100% fine with never having another child after Jacob. I didn't want a child after Jacob. I didn't want this child. Until I did. Sometime around the 8 or 10 week mark.
There is a lot of guilt in that. In not wanting a child that is already here. Already here inside you. Of course there are alternatives. Information to be gathered. Choices to be made. Choices that were made. Choices that were hard to make.
After all that guilt and all the gathering and all those choices and all that thinking and all that bonding and all that everything else, the feeling I got when I found out I was having another boy really hit hard. Hurt hard. Again with the guilt and the processing and the feeling and the tears.
Over what?
Nothing. Something. A weird sort of loss. A loss of something I never had to begin with.
I'll never be a rockstar.
Or a movie star.
Or taller.
Or younger.
Or a child prodigy.
Or an astronaut.
Or a veterinarian.
Or independently wealthy.
Or prettier.
Or eighty hunousand any other things that I've hoped I would be.
Or the mother of a little girl.
***
Yesterday I found an index card with a little girl handwriting on it in front of my house. Hearts and loops and somehow much more careful and intentional than little boy handwriting. It made me a little angry, a little happy. I bent down and read the card:
We all hope and pray and wish for healthy babies. When people ask us what we think we are having, we say things like "oh, it doesn't matter/I don't care as long as it is healthy".
Our children hope and pray and wish the same for us.
It isn't hard to find out where someone lives. Even if that someone is an 11 year old girl (who turns 12 next month, one day before my birthday. It's crazy scary what you can find out on the internet in two minutes). Especially if that little girl signs her notes with her full name. I dropped the card in her mailbox so she might be able to put this where it is meant to be.
So she can give this to her mom. Who was only 28 years old and has been dead for three years last Sunday.
***
We aren't guaranteed much in life. I guess it's pretty damned important to celebrate every tiny thing we are given, even if it's not necessarily what we want.
25 comments:
Congrats on your little boy.
That note nearly made me cry. My little girl turns ten next week. Seven years nearly since her dad, my first husband, died. I walked into her room yesterday and she was sharing pictures of him as a little boy with her bff over Facetime. She rarely expresses much interest in him and has never told any friend of hers so far about him. Maybe it is something about being "almost a teenager, Mom" or just having her first real bff.
Life is funny in a not Ha-ha way. It's weird how we seem to end up, imo, exactly where we are supposed to but the paths can be viewed as pretty harsh.
I made a pretty conscious decision not to have another child when I remarried. I sometimes see little boys around fourish and wonder but I don't second guess. It was not for this lifetime.
This post, these comments. Arg, this one was hard.
What a post.
As a non-kid-haver, I get a little down sometimes about what will never be.
*hugs*
Life is very very interesting. I have a little girl, well, now she is 20,heck almost 21 and many of things you described made me cry because I never got to do them, she wasn't the typical little girl. I was and I wanted to share those things with her so desperately but I didn't dare shove them down her throat. I wear a ton of makeup, she wears none. I went to three proms, she went to none. My girl and I are so different and yet we are so close because in the end it is all about love :) Which, I know you know!!
A friend with a young daughter once told me her husband wishes for only girls. While she found it sweet, she believes her husband would be doing the Universe a great turn by rearing a boy...a boy who becomes a man who respects and honors women daily, who is willing and able to communicate with his partner because that is how strong relationships are built, in short a man of character and integrity...a man like his father. That is what you are and will be doing -- rearing amazing boys who will become incredible men. We are all thankful for that.
I get it. I was perfectly fine with two kids, always thought three was my number, but two was A-OK with me...until my Nephrologist informed me that it would be a bad idea for me to have any more kids, that my body couldn't really take it. Not that I was chomping at the bit to have another kid but to be told I shouldn't was another story. Little boys are awesome. How sweet to watch Jake teach his little brother all he ever needs to know. XOXO to you.
Oh Lora, you made me cry. :)
I'm with you, sister. I had the same feelings when I found out #2 boy was in fact a boy. I can remember my husband even saying, "are you sure? look again...." because we had so many dreams of having a daughter. And I tortured myself for a few weeks about it because I should have been glad to be pregnant at all after trying for so long, I should have been thankful I didn't have a miscarriage this time, I should have been grateful that I was carrying a healthy child and focusing on getting this one to term, maybe.
But. I still had to bite the inside of my cheek when one of my closest friends told me a few weeks later that the baby she was carrying was a girl, so she'd have one of each! And I still bought yellow and green gender neutral onesies just in case the sonogram was wrong and it really was a little girl in there.
It was hard, and harder still because I felt so guilty for not being thankful. I knew we weren't going to have another chance at this. And now, I can be thankful. Thankful I got the chance to raise a "typical" child, after having one with developmental problems. Thankful that I have these two boys, who are so different but bring so much to our family. Thankful that the clothes in the boy's department aren't hot pants and belly shirts.
We are hard enough on ourselves as moms without adding all of this extra guilt into it. :)
Nice post. Honest. The things many of us feel but aren't woman enough to admit.
You are sad because one of each is nice. The rich's man family, and despite what you think you think about girls, you are still a girl and you know deep in your heart that we are amazing. And, it takes women like us to raise girls to be more women like us....not the girlie girls we all wrinkle our noses at.
But, with that all said, boys are fabulous! Amazing, and you will have two, and Jake will have a brother and you will be the princess in the house with three men to love you!
I understand about the girl thing on all the different levels, and when you have the new baby, you will love him in a way that you didn't even imagine b/c it is funny how each child does that to a mother.
And, I can't believe you were going to name HER Cecilia Rose. Cecelia was my mom's name. Yet another connection!
My sister just had her third boy!! His name is Jacob.
There is a mom at work. She had four boys and was pregnant with her fifth child, and was so hoping for a girl. She had the baby, I didn't pay attention. Five years later, the baby is in Kindergarten. I always make friends with the Kindergarteners, and for some reason this kid really took a liking to me. One day the other secretary tells me that the child is a boy. Do you know I thought he was a girl for a few weeks. I never knew. He was the prettiest little boy. Just one of those faces, and he had
longish hair. When I realized who his mom was I said no wonder he is so "pretty," she was wishing for a girl. He is adorable, and always runs and throws his arms around me. I love him!
Oh I remember how I won him over, I let him copy his hands on the copy machine. Always a magical moment!
You will have an awesome son, and be a fantastic mom, and I am so exciting for you.
@Jenny, so true, we put so much guilt on ourselves, and we need to let ourselves on the hook.
PS I always wanted a fourth child b/c my son the first born was so friggin' amazing, I wanted to try and duplicate him, but it was just not meant to be.
the economy made us re-think our decision, and now that my baby is turning 20 on Monday, I am happy that I only have three, and sometimes I feel guilty when I think that!
I cried when I found out Finn was a boy. My entire life, I always thought that I would have a girl first and then a boy. I have three sisters, it was Barbies and craziness in our house. My brother is 19 years younger so I wasn't around as he was growing up.
In that moment, hearing the ultrasound tech say that it was a boy I was just flabbergasted. I didn't know what to do with a boy! A boy has a penis! A boy is going to like BOY things! A boy is going to wear BOY clothes! And on and on it went until Dave told me to snap out of it.
And I did, but I still think in that moment, it's normal to feel what might have been.
Your posts always leave lingering marks on my brain after I read them.
Also, you couldn't possibly be prettier.
You knock me out. I never wanted to parent a girl. I couldn't face the idea of reliving any of those traumas through my child. I'm so thankful to have boys. And yet...
I'm not sure a whole lot what to do with these ideas, these words, these feelings -- they don't quite line up with my present life -- but sometimes it's like they're shaping me. And I can accept that, though I'm a little uncomfortable with that, but I think that's healthy. Growth n' shit.
I was happy when I found out Bear was a boy. Estatic. I have the same feelings about girls. Plus, I grew up with 3 brothers so I felt like I knew how to handle boys.
Sometime between 2 & 3, I started getting baby fever. And I started fanticizing about having a little girl. Yeah, I still felt that little girls were assholes but I knew mine would be different.
Then I started fighting my baby fever - for many reasons: husband & I were goin through a rough patch, the business was killing me & bear was more than enough. There was no need to add onto that stress.
Around that time, our friends who were pregnant again announced they were having a girl. I started bawling. I was sad because not only was I probably never going to have another child, I was never going to have a little girl. It's stupid to get upset over something like that but that's what happens.
Anyway, I get it and I'm sorry. BUT, I am so happy for you that Jake is going to have a little brother. And if he's half as awesome as Jake, then you're going to be one lucky mama.
I LOVE this! And you. And your writing.
I always have a moment of fear when I am like 2 minutes late. And the thought that go through my head when I think 'What would I do if...' scare me a little. But mostly I think 'life goes on' which I hate saying because it seems like a total cop-out. I think we all have your thought you are just brave enough to say them.
I totally get what you are saying here in this post. I've gone through those same thoughts but in a different way. I wanted a girl so badly and when she died I really grieved for what could have been and what will never be. Then I did that again after my heart attack when I was told I would never be able to be pregnant again. Then I grieved for the loss of having my own child. After all that yuckiness I was left with the kids in my family who are like my kids and who I have been able to experience all those things I never thought I would and for that I'm truly grateful. for you, I bet your sons will have 3 grandkids each and they will ALL be girls and you'll get your Barbie shoes tampon applicator moment. Because you know that they will think you are the coolest Grandma in the WORLD. :)
I'm glad you found that note Lora. It probably meant so much to her that it came back. I love that.
I'm reading this today because the other day I clicked through to read about the blue news and I lost track and never got to really read it except to say, omg! Another little boy!
That note was heart-wrenching. Esp. today after all the news about Colorado. Tearing me up. Horrible news. And yes, life is so fickle. We get what we get and we don't get upset, right? Sigh.
This was so well-written. You're entitled to grieve for what you won't have AND celebrate what you will all at once. It's allowed. For certain. Your writing, as always, touches me strongly. Much love.
I totally get it. With graham when the tech told us he was a boy, I almost cried because I wanted a girl so badly. With Gwen we waited until she was born to fine out. I was a little upset that she was a girl, I psyched myself up that I wanted another boy. It doesn't make any sense at all.
With graham I never worried about his teenage years. With Gwen within hours of her being born I started to freak out about what if she does what I did as a teenager.
One of my coworkers says every mon is crazy. Which is totally true. Now when I am crazy (two examples above) I blame it on being a mom and acknowledge that I can't do anything about it.
I know how you felt at the Ultrasound, I so wanted one of each and when they told me my second was a boy my heart sank. I definitely feel guilty about that but when I look at my little boy 4 years later I couldn't have asked for anything better. He fills my life with so much joy! It's hard but you will find that being the Queen of the house will sometimes be a blessing in disguise. Just remember you have a really important job in raising two amazing men!
so I know it's been FOREVER since I've been on blogger but for some reason unbeknownst to me, I logged on and came across this posting. And you know that saying "everything happens for a reason" well I'm starting to buy into it. I just recently had a very long, teary conversation with my aunt about how I will probably never get the chance to mother a child. That was a crushing blow to me. I'm not being pessimistic, just honest. Being a 34 year old lesbian who has been single for gasp almost 4 years now with absolutely NO prospects in site it's pretty safe to say, that I will never be called mum. Anyways enough about me I wanted to say that I feel your pain, I can relate to it and I hope you know it isn't selfish in any way to have secretly been crushed when you found out you're having another boy. Congrats by the way!
I also found the part about the tampons hilarious because just like you nobody ever told me how to use them and I wore the applicators too! Holy shit did those hurt but like you I just thought it was one of the "things a woman has to go through". It was probably a good 2 months before I found out what I was doing was wrong and boy did I feel like a dope!
Well anyways it was a nice surprise this morning to have come across your blog again, I've missed it and will try to stay tuned in.
I don't want to find out what this baby is. I'm much better at dealing with what is. When I'm holding it. I know it is what it is inside there now. But somehow, the dealing with it seems easier once it's here and I'm all delirious. I'm afraid it's a girl and I'll have to have some complicated mother daughter relationship some day. Plus I have a bunch of boy stuff kicking around here so there's that. I'm also afraid to find out that exactly what I really want is a girl. Ok, I'm all pukey just thinking about it.
P.S. I hate the pearls and headbands on newborn girl photos too. And Anne Geddes. Creepy. Maybe I'll dress my newborn boy (if its a boy) in velour pants with "Juicy" in sequins across the butt just for funsies.
That card broke my heart! I remember when I found out I had the probable cervical cancer. I was barely pregnant and all I could think about was not being alive to raise my baby who I KNEW was a girl already and what that would do to her her whole life. So sad. Little girls need a mommy AND a daddy.
By the way, just because a 20 week ultrasound says your baby is boy doesn't mean it's true. I was told that if a u/s determines a girl early on, it's 99% always right, but if a boy is determined it's only 60% accurate. You could still end up with a surprise girl. LOL
I love having a girl. I love the clothes and the hair and the cutesy things and the fact that she's a girly tom-boy. Just like me. She likes to play in the mud or climb a tree while wearing a fabulous outfit or frilly frock. It's FABULOUS.
I'm not sure I would know what to do with a boy. Besides, I'd rather not get peed on while changing diapers like all four of my nephews did to me. Straight up. In my face.
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