dirty joke stealer

I am a terrible, terrible joke teller. 

I think I'm funny, in like, every day normal conversations.  I can tell funny stories, or find funny things in non-funny places, but ask me to tell you a joke and I totally blank. 

A friend of mine is in the Merchant Marines and he said there is a cook on the ships who is a total riot.  The cook has spent his whole life at sea and looks exactly the way an old man who has spent his whole life at sea should look and the guy is so incredibly funny and quick and deadpan that you never know whether he's telling you a joke or just telling you what's the whatwhat.

My favorite Old Man of the Sea bit goes something like this:

"Yeah so, I was home the other day and I saw a new guy moving in across the street.  I thought I'd give him a hand with his stuff.  He seemed alright and we got to talking and he mentioned that he was thinking of having a little housewarming that night if I wanted to drop by.  He said it would be nothing big, just a little eating, a little drinking, a little fighting, a little fucking.  It was weird, but I didn't want to offend him so I asked him what I should bring.  'Well, it's just going to be you and me,' he answered, 'so I guess bring whatever you'd like.'"

Of course, I like to tell that story as if it were my own, but how great would it be coming from a salty, gnarled, leathery, bearded, tattooed, swabby kitchen dog?