impending

I'm having some anxiety about going back to work.  I'm afraid I won't be able to get it together in the morning.  I can't seem to get things done now, and Nicholas and I stay home all day.  I'm afraid I will milk all over myself during the day.  My job isn't really conducive to pumping regularly.  I'm afraid I'll lose some milk volume. I'm afraid I won't be able to get both boys by the Pick Up Deadline.  I'm afraid of silly little things.  But mostly morning and afternoon.  Two one-hour windows of rushing around.  I'm afraid of time.

Aren't we all? 
Afraid of time.
On some level?

And I'm not sure exactly when I will be able to shower.  I guess I'll have to start getting out of bed around 5.  My grandmother was always up that early, she said that it was something she couldn't shake once her boys were grown and moved out.  She said that if a woman wants time to herself, she has to take it while the rest of the world is asleep. 

Jacob was down with the flu for a few days this week, but the rest of us are fine.  Nicholas had a doctor's appointment on a day when the mercury was in the single digits and Jacob's temperature was in the triples even after Tylenol, and we didn't have the car, and we still made it all happen. The baby is spot on for his milestones and is 22" long and nearly 11 pounds.  He is smiling all the time now and batting and kicking at things hanging in front of him.  He's starting to nap more during the day, but is still up every two hours to eat at night.

The doctor says I can start to "sleep train" him by trying to get him to fill up before I go to bed and put him down before he's sleeping and see if he won't fuss himself back to sleep for one of the feedings at night, but I don't really agree with all that.  The first part, sure.  I can try that, the feeding him more before my bedime part.  I don't think I'll let him fuss himself to sleep.  I just can't do it.  There is all sorts of brain research done in the past decade and more recently released that shows that letting a child cry or fuss himself to sleep is actually a pretty shitty thing to do, and if done regularly can result in cortisol flooding the brain and life-long "scarring" and restricted growth on the amygdala, cortex, and hippocampus.  Basically,it "works" when the baby eventually gives up on the caregivers ever coming for him or her, and it can lead to self-worth issues, self-esteem levels, and all sorts of other crap that last a lifetime.*  Plus it causes stress, anxiety, and feelings of guilt and helplessness in parents and caregivers.  I don't need any of that. I know I'll screw these kids up in a myriad of different ways, so I probably won't follow the doctors cue on this one.  I tried it with Jake but crumbled under the crying.

So I'll keep feeding him in the middle of the night and come when he cries and hold him while he falls asleep and sometimes while he is fast asleep and feed him when he's hungry.  It's miserable but it's temporary. 

All the miserable things are made easier with the second baby because you know it isn't forever. 
Even though Jake doesn't sleep through the night at nearly seven years old. 
But neither do Dave or I at nearly thirty-seven years old.

We as a species generally don't sleep through the night.  It just seems that the older you get, the easier it is to get a drink or a snack or lull yourself back to sleep by counting or whatever it is that you do to get yourself back down.

I count breaths between buses.  The bus goes by every 10-20 minutes at night, and I can usually put myself back under after three or so buses.  Or I count cars that go by.  They go down the street ever 5 or 6 minutes.  I like living on a sort of busy street. I need noise to relax.

And less of this in my bed, but I won't kick him out just yet:

2 months old

taken 1/20/2013

*"But my mom let me cry myself to sleep and I'm okay."
No you're not.  You are just as effed up as the rest of us.  I'm trying to break that cycle.