In Dog We

A few weeks ago at practice we did some movement stuff.  Like, acrobatic movement stuff, and a lot of doing that required warm ups like trust falls.

I don't do trust falls
I don't do trust.

Trust is something I need to work on.  It's one of those new year's resolutions that never get resolved.

I have a lot of things backlogged in my psyche that don't allow me to trust other people to keep my body safe.  My things safe.  My thoughts safe.

God, that's awful to say aloud.

Type aloud.

I failed miserably at the trust falls.  My hips and knees buckled and my skin got bumpy and the floor seemed wavy and the room got very hot and I tried to laugh it off so I wouldn't cry.

Everyone else could do it.

The guy who was teaching the workshop was awesome about it.  He told me it had nothing to do with my feelings for the people here.  That it was in my body, not in my head.  That where ever it was that he learned to do all this stuff works for a long long time with people so they can get over it.  That it can take years, so I wouldn't likely be able to do a trust fall in the 20 minutes it would take us to do them that night.

I agree.  100%  Every cell of my body freaks the eff out if I have to rely on someone to take care of me.  To ensure I don't break. 

I know a lot about stuff like that. I make a career out of it.  I know way more than that guy, I reckon.  Way more that most people.  There is a book called The Body Remembers.  I've never read it, but I live by those three words.

I'm not sure what all my body is remembering, but it is.  And I'd like it to forget.  It's one of the reasons I do Reiki.  All of our bodies are remembering something.  I'd like to scramble and rearrange some of that energy.  Heal.  Energy healing.

I do recall three consecutive trips to Brown's Farm where my whole class dropped me in the trust fall.  The first year was the worst.  I know they didn't do it on purpose.  I don't know what happened.  The second two years my teacher told me it was my fault.  That I wasn't stiff enough.  Wasn't trusting enough.  I was 8 and 9.  Maybe 9 and 10. 

Later in the day on the last trip, I fell from a tree while doing an obstacle course.  I'm usually pretty good with not falling, but I was sort of shaken up.  I blame that trust fall thing.  I couldn't even trust myself.

So that part of the workshop sucked but Holy Crap! You have no idea what you are capable of doing if you can get the timing and the weight distribution down pat.  We were like real performers.  Sort of.  I haven't been so darn proud of myself in thirty years.  Like learning to walk.  Or ride a bike.  Leaping into someone's arms and ending up like a bride and groom crossing the threshold?  Done.  Crazy balancing acts that look like those metal balancing mobile art/toys business people have on their desks?  Yes. Climbing up one side of a grown man's body and back down the other?  That was totally me.  Human pyramids that don't require anyone down on their hands and knees?  Me right on top, arms in the air. 
It was good for my self-confidence.  In a way that most things I do aren't.  I felt strong and capable and supportive/supported.  Usually I'm all wonky with the arthritis and the shingles outbreak caused a good deal of nerve pain and stiffness down my right side and I'm only a couple months out from a C-section which sort of screws with your core strength but I was doing it.  I was strong enough and I was good enough.  People trusted me to catch them.  I trusted them to catch me.  I'm okay with falling on my face in front of those people.  Now I want to go to Circus School.

And work on that trust thing.  Because seriously.  I'm a grown up. I only surround myself and associate with people I can trust.  No one is letting me fall.  Metaphorically.  Nor literally.  Nor figuratively, assuming that figuratively and metaphorically are two different things. 

My New Year's Resolution this year was to let people take care of me.  I'm not sure what that means.  I guess to let people take over some of my responsibilities.  To stop saying "no, I've got it" so often.  To stop saying "I'll do that".  To accept hugs.  Compliments.  Assistance.

I don't do All the Things because I can't say no to people's requests.  I do All the Things because I assume I'm the only one who can do them right.  To assume that I and mine will be safe and sound only if I batten all hatches and secure all sails. Tie all knots.  Make all nautical references.
I want that to be half over by June.  All the way over by December.

So where to start?